Would you join a bunch of murderers, traitors and thieves? Or would you rather wear plastic armor and bring order to the galaxy? We don’t know about you, but it definitely won’t be the Resistance scum for Stormtrooper Larry!
The hilarious a-holes behind Mad Magazine just released a recruitment pamphlet for the First Order. Building on the success of their Force Awakens issue last February, the gang of idiots is back with a second helping of Star Wars.
This time, they’re shilling for the “good guys” and their three Ts policy: Terror, Tyranny and Totalitarianism. But they can’t do it without some fresh blaster fodder. Prospective “fear ambassadors” (sounds like a Disney term) will get to chill their ass off in Starkiller Base, enjoy some sun in Jakku, and march along endless gray corridors awaiting rebel saboteurs in the time-honored stormtrooper tradition.
Exciting activities include carrying out pro-active population control policies, marching in perfect formation, standing around in rows while Kylo Ren makes his grand entrance, and learning how to use one of those “spinny laser-baton thingies”.
You never know when you need to stop a traitor with a lightsaber!
It’s nice to know that health coverage now extends to lightsaber dismemberments, Wookiee dismemberments, and Ewok-related injuries. Unfortunately it seems that most troopers still don’t enjoy free prescription lenses, which account for the majority of missed stormtrooper shots.*
We also get a nice tidbit about the new stormtrooper armor. It’s 3% more effective than before, offering almost 15% greater protection against blaster fire! As long as your serial number isn’t FN-2003….
The Kickstarter is a nice touch. With the fall of the Empire, the new organization had to scrape the funds for their own death ball. And what better way to raise credits than to crowdsource it?
While Jedis don’t crave adventure and excitement, Star Wars fans do. So fuck the light side, go and sign up with the winning side. Join the First Order through Mad Magazine today!
The digital issue is available now, while the printed version will come out on June 14.
*Poor eyesight and helmet design account for 95.5% of all missed blaster shots by stormtroopers, based on an in-depth study pulled from Stormtrooper Larry’s ass.