Tag Archives: episode vii

Saved by the Beer

This is a spin-off of last week’s short story, Father’s Day with Han Solo.


In an alternate universe, several years before The Force Awakens….

Old Gary the stormtrooper sat sadly in the cantina.

Formerly TK-1287, the retired trooper was having a bad day. He blew what remained of his life savings on a bad bet — he backed the wrong team in the Kessel Races. Now all Gary had left were his blaster and a couple of credits.

Someone took the bar stool next to him, an old man with a scarred face. Silently, Gary debated whether he can mooch him for a drink. But the old geezer didn’t look loaded with credits.

snoke funny“Maybe grandpa here has any credits? Naaah.”

Someone else took the stool on his other side, an old smuggler turned race team captain. That scoundrel Han Solo.

Maybe he can mooch him instead.

“That was a bad race man. Maybe you shoulda stayed in the smuggling business.”

Solo looked at him. “Yeah, the team’s not up to spec today. Do I know you?”

“Yeah man, TK-1287. We captured you back on Bespin!”

There was an awkward pause.

“If it helps, I backed your team today. And I voted for your wife in the Senate polls too.”

Han nodded. “Yeah well thanks for the vote of confidence. So whadya do now?”

“Me? I’m just a drifter seeing the galaxy. Didn’t get to see much during my service, just bulkheads and battlestations. How bout you? How’s the princess?”

“We’re doing alright. Leia’s busy doing political stuff. Me, I finally get to see the Falcon racing without being chased by turbolasers.”

“Great. Last I saw you, you were being carbonited — even told my son about it! Got any kids?”

jar jar carbonite funny
“Told him I was gonna carbonite him too if he didn’t shut up.”

“Yeah, just one. He’s in Jedi school taking after his uncle. Yours?”

“My little Larry’s in the academy taking after me. Taught him a few tricks too. Jedi school huh? That doesn’t sound good for the poor schmuck.”

Han glanced sideways at him. “What do you mean?”

“Well Vader went to Jedi school, look how that turned out for him. Spent a lotta time in his little black room shipside. Not very social, that guy.”

“Ha, I know what you mean. The asshole tortured me and didn’t even ask anything! Wish he knew I got to bang his daughter.”

“Yeah well that’s the Jedi for you. Maybe you oughta take your kid out, take him starship racin’ or teach him smuggling. The little fucker might turn into a whiny Sith before y’know it.”

Han got a faraway look. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I should. It’s been awhile since I paid Ben a visit. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Lil squirt might not finish what he started.” Gary turned to face him. “So how ’bout that drink?”

But Han had already left.

Goddammit.

The old man in the other stool stood up too. Before he could leave after Han, Gary held his arm. “Hey man, got spare change for a drink?”

“No. Let go. I have Force children to take.”

“Force brats huh? Well there’s one on Jakku. Saw this little scavenger floating junk to her sled when I was marooned there.”

“I see. Thank you for the information.”

“No problem dude. So how ’bout that drink?”

But the old man had also left too.

Selfish fuckers.


Several years later….

ben solo rey

Father’s Day with Han Solo

Six years before The Force Awakens….

 

Gary the stormtrooper sat sadly in the cantina.

Formerly TK-1287, the retired trooper was having a bad day. He blew what remained of his life savings on a bad bet — he backed the wrong team in the Kessel Races. Now all he had left was a pack of gum and a couple of credits.

Someone took the bar stool next to him, an old smuggler turned race team captain. It was that scoundrel Han Solo.

Gary glanced sideways at him. “That was a bad race man. You shoulda stayed in the smuggling business.”

“The team’s not up to spec today,” Han replied with a trace of irritation. “Do I know you?”

“Yeah man, TK-1287. We captured you back on Cloud City. I was the one who tied you to that torture rack!”

There was an awkward silence.

“If it helps, I backed your team today with my life savings.”

Han nodded. “Yeah? Thanks for the vote of confidence. Lemme buy you a drink.”


Several rounds later….

 

“… we still keep the metal bikini in the closet. So whadya do now?”, asked a heavily drunk Han.

“I’m just a drifter seeing the galaxy. Hic! Didn’t get to see it much during my service,” Gary replied. “So where’s your kid?”

“Jedi school taking after his uncle. More mumbo jumbo an’ handwaving. Never really understood any of it.”

Han looked at his watch. “Shit, I just remembered it’s Father’s Day! I gotta pick him up today, tell him the truth bout his granddad.”

He stood up. “I gotta go. Little snot’s been lookin forward to it for a long time.”

kylo ren sad.gif“Uncle Luke, is dad still coming?”

As Han turned to leave, Gary the stormtrooper stopped him. “You really gonna ditch me man? I’m broke because of your nerf-ass team!”

Han swayed and collapsed back on the stool. “Alright, one more round wouldn’t hurt.”

“Awesome! Forget the little fucker, he’s with Jedi monks now man. I know a good Twi’lek stripclub just ’round the corner. Hic!”

“Fine, lead on buckethead.”

Six years later….

han solo death

 Happy Father’s Day from Stormtrooper Larry! 

VIDEO: The Falcon’s 15-Second Flight

 

What if Rey isn’t as good of a pilot as she thinks she is? We get an alternate ending to The Force Awakens!

EXCLUSIVE: A Behind-the-Scenes Look at Episode VIII from an Alleged Production Insider

A couple of days ago, we brought you the sensational Jedi History 1.1 lesson from KY10REY, who purports to be a production insider for Star Wars: Episode VIII.

Today, Stormtrooper Larry sat down with KY10REY to find out more about the film. Whether his claims are true or not, we leave up to you.

We’ve reserved the juiciest stuff at the end.

Who is KY10REY?

He first appeared in February 2016, when principal photography for Episode VIII started. KY10REY claims to be part of the production crew at Pinewood Studios with insider knowledge of the film’s progress.

Why should we listen to him?

KY10REY seems to have advance knowledge of what Space Bear Industries, the front name for Episode VIII, is up to.

Last March, he posted the scouting sets for the Ireland leg of the shoot, a full two months before it happened:

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Then in early May, he announced that Adam Driver was going to join Mark Hamill and Daisy Ridley in Ireland for the Ahch-To shoot, and even broke down their scenes by location.

Adam did arrive one week later on May 13:

ky10rey leak spoiler

With that out of the way, let’s get to the juicy stuff. Here’s the exclusive intel from KY10REY.

On Jedi History 1.1

  • A fair number of readers have commented on the poor prose and scriptwriting, with one commenting that “if this is a leak, it sounds like it was transcribed or overheard.”
  • That’s because it is — it came from a storyboard. KY10REY says “phones, cameras and tablets are not allowed… but pen and paper are”. He was actually writing down what he saw from memory as best as he could.
  • The tree on Ahch-To is really old, “even older than the Jedi”
  • “If you look at the tree from a vertical aspect, it’s actually not complete.” That’s because he claims that “most static items are just reference holders for ILM”. Presumably, the tree will be enhanced, or even have its appearance changed outright through VFX.

episode 8 tree leak

On the Ireland filming

  • The shooting schedule included a 4-day safety window in case they ran into inclement weather
  • Thankfully, the notoriously uncooperative Irish climate turned out to be good, so much so that “we had to use our poor weather truck”
  • This specialized vehicle was probably designed to create rain effects, during what we presume is the climactic battle between Luke and Rey and the Knights of Ren (which KY10REY can’t confirm or deny)
  • The waterfall at Malin Head will make a brief appearance, though parts of the scene are actually NOT shot in Ireland but someplace else (we’ll cover this in a future article)
  • Right after wrapping up in Ireland, part of the crew were sent to Germany and Italy to scout locations for the next movie, the Han Solo anthology film.

What’s happening now

  • Filming is back in the UK, although whether in Pinewood or other locations KY10REY won’t say
  • One of the scenes in the past week required a lot of pyrotechnics, which caused complaints among locals
  • The schedule this week has been so intense that an extra rest day was ordered, “that’s why Mark (Hamill) was mostly silent on Monday and Tuesday, but pretty active today”
  • There will be a break in filming come July so certain cast members can attend Star Wars Celebration in London

What we can expect

  • Despite director Rian Johnson’s home stretch post, the film has “several miles left to go”
  • The official wrap-up party for the production crew is still two months away
  • Rey had 42 minutes in The Force Awakens, but almost double the screen-time for Episode VIII

And the really juicy nuggets:

  • Expect the Episode VIII title reveal in the first week of November
  • The Rogue One main trailer will drop four weeks after the title reveal
  • There will also be a brief (2-second) teaser for Episode VIII
  • There were on-set rumors of more trees and seeds being taken to different planets, as well as mentions of Ben Kenobi. However “we are not filming any of that, so if true they must be for something else, like a backstory or tie-in comic.”

Note: In the past hour, several readers have asked why the Rogue One trailer is debuting too close to the movie, rather than during Star Wars Celebration. The key word is main trailer. TFA also had several trailers, but the most complete one (the international version) dropped on December 9, 2015, a mere one week before the movie itself.

Our guess is, shorter domestic trailers are used to generate hype in North America, where Star Wars is already familiar. However, for other regions where the franchise isn’t a cultural phenomenon (like China), Disney has a longer version. The newer, longer cut also helps sustain the momentum in the US, since it features extra footage not seen by American viewers. Anyway, we’ll just ask KY10REY about it when he’s able to sneak out once more.


Finally, KY10REY says he gets asked a lot about Luke and Rey, but not newcomer Kelly Marie Tran, known on set as “Pocket Rocket”.

Why should we pay more attention to her?

“Because her character will have a pivotal role towards the end. Her role was rewritten to increase screen time.”

We have more intel from our secret rendezvous, but Stormtrooper Larry has to get back to work (damn Powerpoint slides won’t do themselves). We’ll reserve those for another post if our alleged Bothan insider gives the green light.

KY10REY will release the next installment, Jedi History 2.1, before the end of June. So stay tuned!

UPDATE: For readers in the UK, the Metro newspaper will be publishing their own interview in tomorrow’s issue. Scoop a copy and see if they have different intel.

In the meantime, check out our own story how Ben Solo fell to the dark side!

 

UPDATE: IMDB “Leaker” Backtracks on Rey’s Origin

Update (June 20, 2016):  Mr_Ghostface_Lives has suddenly backtracked from his assertions and deleted his posts. See the latest news here.


About a week ago, noted IMDB user Mr_Ghostface_Lives came out with the sensational statement that Luke isn’t Rey’s father, and Leia will be using the Force in Star Wars Episode VIII before “being written out”.

A few hours ago, Mr_Ghostface_Lives seemed to backtrack from the former claim:

I just realised that there may be some misinterpretation of the material I read – remember I read it out of context and in pieces. The Leia using the Force stuff is 100% on the money, and I’m confident that will make the final cut, but the parentage of Rey… I just realised that it’s possible she may yet be Luke’s daughter, but he isn’t aware of it. There is no family “reunion” in the first half of the script and he doesn’t know her, but I just realised the possibility that he either didn’t know he’d fathered anyone, or didn’t know she’d survived some past incident. So, maybe there is a revelation later that I haven’t seen.

However, that said, I have to go back to what we know from TFA:

Rey can remember being abandoned on Jakku, so wouldn’t she remember if the father who raised her was Luke Skywalker? She also doesn’t have any memory of Luke, the Force or any Jedi training. So that pretty much makes her having been one of the new Jedi that Luke trained and Ben slaughtered virtually impossible. She has heard of Luke in myth and story only. If there’s a later reveal, I’m pretty certain neither of them are aware of it. I’m guessing that’s what Maz is for…

In short, he claims that:

  • His information comes from a written source, such as a script
  • He was only able to read it partially “in bits and pieces”, specifically the first half
  • He admits there may yet be revelations waiting in the other parts of the film

He also addressed a past claim that casts doubts on his credibility, and doubled down on the assertion that Leia WILL use the Force:

I said Finn was Lando’s son? I certainly don’t recall that, as I never heard that as anything but a rumour. Indeed I was not lying about the sets at Pinewood, and I’m not lying about Leia using the Force and then pretty much disappearing from the story. I could say how she uses it etc but I don’t want to give such specific spoilers. I’d much rather fuel people’s anticipation.

The “Finn is Lando’s son” are claims he made back in 2014 before The Force Awakens. You can see the full history of Mr_Ghostface_Lives’ claims here.

Finally, to leave you with a nugget, Mr_Ghostface_Lives replied to another IMDB thread entitled “I really hope there is a major twist in this film”:

Isn’t that the manoeuvre the Falcon made when setting record time for the Kessel Run?

Wait, no, it isn’t.

And Rey won’t turn bad.

anakin-reyYou sure about that?

Make sure to check out another alleged leaker: Ky10Rey and his Jedi History lesson!

Lower Standards

Every Saturday, we feature photos of Stormtrooper Larry from the Outer Rim!

episode 8 stormtrooper

After being selected for Basic Training, Stormtrooper EG-N0G was fortunate to join the First Order at the right time.

After the Empire fell, stormtrooper standards are no longer what they used to be.

VIDEO: The Running Trooper Challenge!

 Stormtrooper Larry takes part in the running man challenge… to the horror of Star Wars characters!

Don’t forget to subscribe for more Stormtrooper Larry videos!

 

Kylo Ren’s Password Problem

Several years before The Force Awakens…

Young Ben Solo sat cross-legged on the floor. Very carefully, he set down the holocron in front of him and prepared to do his Jedi homework.

Holocrons, or holographic chronicles, were crystal devices that held ancient lessons. Today he was going to learn from the esteemed Master Yoda.

Before Ben could start, his friend Ron poked his head in the doorway. “Hey man, wanna watch some Twi’lek porn with us?”

Ben shook his head. “No thanks, you know we’re not supposed to watch those. Besides, I have homework to do.”

“Suit yourself. Later dude!”

twilek dancers monthly“It’s your loss Ben!”

Ben cleared images of sexy Twi’lek dancers from his mind and activated the holocron. A tiny hologram of Master Yoda appeared.

“Your password you must enter, if you wish to learn.”

On the holographic keyboard, Ben typed:

> crossguardlightsabersarecool

“Expired your password is. Change it you must, from the Sith and the IT department.  Would you like to change it now?”

Ben clicked YES.

“Your new password you will enter.”

> saber

At least 8 characters your password must have.”

> ihavebigsaber

“A capitalized character there should be, for cunning the Sith are.”

> ihavebigBIGsaber

“A number you should include, if you are not a dimwitted Gammorrean. Mmhehehehemmm.”

force-ghost-yoda.jpg“A stupid password that is, like 1234.”

Ben was starting to get pissed.

> ihaveBIGsaber69

“Weak your password is, young padawan. Try again. Mmhehehehemmm.”

> ihaveaBIGfuckingsaber69

“Still weak your password is. Disappointed in you, your father will be. Mmhehehehemmm.”

Ron stuck his head in the doorway again. “Hey bro, we’re gonna Force-torture some mynocks behind the gym. Wanna join?”

Ben screamed. “NO! GET THE FUCK OUT, I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!”

“Geez man, okay.”

Ben Force-slammed the door and typed furiously:

> BIGgoddamnfuckingsaber69!!!!!

“Not allowed special characters are, little nerfbrain. Mmhehehehemmm.”

> BIGgoddamnfuckingsaberwithfuckinglittlecrossguardsabersontheside69

“A mismatch there is. Type your password again, you will mmhehehehemm.”

FUCK!

While the little Yoda hologram was still going “mmhehehehemm”, Ben Force-hurled the holocron against the wall, where it shattered into a million pieces. The lesson was supposed to be Jedi Calm and Patience 101.

Ben buried his face in his hands. He didn’t finish what he started.

Ron cautiously stuck his head in the door again.

“Hey dude, we’re gonna poke around the old Sith ruins in Korriban. Wanna come?”

Ben looked up.

“Yeah, I’m tired of this nerfshit. I could use a break.”

“Awesome! Meet you ’round back in 10.”

Fuck this Jedi shit. Uncle Luke had probably cheaped out again and bought pirated holocrons. While he was off searching for the first Jedi temple (or more likely spending time in the space casino), Ben was studying his ass off in his room.

He figured he deserved to have some fun with the gang. The Knights of Ron and Ben weren’t complete without him.

As Ben left to join his friends, the little Yoda hologram fizzled once before fading out.

“An error there is. Update your holocron to the latest version you should. Mmhehehehemmm.”

yoda laugh.gif“Ads you can remove with the paid version. Mmhehehehemmm.”


Liked this story? Then be sure to read the one about the showdown on Tatooine!

Snafu

Every Saturday, we bring you snapshots of Stormtrooper Larry!

stormtrooper larry leave

“Noooooooooo!! I’ve been away for too long!!!!”

 


 

Don’t forget to check out Stormtrooper Larry’s heroic actions during the raid on Jakku!

The Hidden AT-ATs in The Force Awakens That You Missed!

When watching The Force Awakens, you might’ve been awed by the impressive First Order rally on Starkiller Base.

starkiller base speech

While Donald Trump General Hux droned on about puppet governments and saving the whales or something, avid Star Wars fans were busy checking out the military hardware. Who knew that TIEs could land on their wings?

And if you’re a true Star Wars geek, you might have noticed the walkers standing off to the side:

first_order_s_walker blurry

But this is NOT the Easter egg we’re talking about. These walkers were actually seen in motion on Starkiller Base!

Check out the scene where Han and company infiltrate the base:

walkers.gif

Did you see them? There are actually four walkers in that scene!

If you’re a lazy bantha, we’ve marked them out for you here:

walkers starkiller base

Interestingly, the First Order walkers don’t move like your regular AT-AT. Instead of moving like giant mammals, these behemoths actually stride like giant spiders, which add to their terrifying, otherworldly appearance.

They may even have more than 4 legs, so they are more stable and aren’t as easily toppled as the old Imperial walker.

Here’s the TFA vehicle as constructed by a Eurobricks user:

22452009368_f0acc2c064_b.jpg

The old AT-AT was something of a hybrid between a main battle tank and an armored personnel carrier. It was designed to carry a stormtrooper platoon into battle, hence the high-profile body.

The First Order walker looks a bit more cramped. If the leg hinges are the same size as the old AT-AT, their bodies are smaller and more streamlined. Perhaps they are dedicated assault platforms, instead of heavily armored transports.

atat cross-section.jpgThe old AT-AT combined the firepower of a tank with the troop capacity of an APC

So will we see them in Episode VIII?

The Force Awakens mirrored the style of A New Hope very closely, from the desert planet to the space battles. So if Episode VIII follows the style of The Empire Strikes Back, we might have a massive land battle, with the First Order’s mechanized forces in action.

And if this leaked plot is true, then we might see the new generation AT-ATs (NG-ATs?) on D’qar, crushing the Resistance base to avenge Starkiller Base.

We’ll just have to wait until December 2017!

Did you know: there’s also a new AT-AT in Rogue One that most people didn’t notice!