Several years before The Force Awakens…
Young Ben Solo sat cross-legged on the floor. Very carefully, he set down the holocron in front of him and prepared to do his Jedi homework.
Holocrons, or holographic chronicles, were crystal devices that held ancient lessons. Today he was going to learn from the esteemed Master Yoda.
Before Ben could start, his friend Ron poked his head in the doorway. “Hey man, wanna watch some Twi’lek porn with us?”
Ben shook his head. “No thanks, you know we’re not supposed to watch those. Besides, I have homework to do.”
“Suit yourself. Later dude!”
“It’s your loss Ben!”
Ben cleared images of sexy Twi’lek dancers from his mind and activated the holocron. A tiny hologram of Master Yoda appeared.
“Your password you must enter, if you wish to learn.”
On the holographic keyboard, Ben typed:
“Expired your password is. Change it you must, from the Sith and the IT department. Would you like to change it now?”
Ben clicked YES.
“Your new password you will enter.”
“At least 8 characters your password must have.”
“A capitalized character there should be, for cunning the Sith are.”
“A number you should include, if you are not a dimwitted Gammorrean. Mmhehehehemmm.”
“A stupid password that is, like 1234.”
Ben was starting to get pissed.
“Weak your password is, young padawan. Try again. Mmhehehehemmm.”
“Still weak your password is. Disappointed in you, your father will be. Mmhehehehemmm.”
Ron stuck his head in the doorway again. “Hey bro, we’re gonna Force-torture some mynocks behind the gym. Wanna join?”
Ben screamed. “NO! GET THE FUCK OUT, I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!”
“Geez man, okay.”
Ben Force-slammed the door and typed furiously:
“Not allowed special characters are, little nerfbrain. Mmhehehehemmm.”
“A mismatch there is. Type your password again, you will mmhehehehemm.”
While the little Yoda hologram was still going “mmhehehehemm”, Ben Force-hurled the holocron against the wall, where it shattered into a million pieces. The lesson was supposed to be Jedi Calm and Patience 101.
Ben buried his face in his hands. He didn’t finish what he started.
Ron cautiously stuck his head in the door again.
“Hey dude, we’re gonna poke around the old Sith ruins in Korriban. Wanna come?”
Ben looked up.
“Yeah, I’m tired of this nerfshit. I could use a break.”
“Awesome! Meet you ’round back in 10.”
Fuck this Jedi shit. Uncle Luke had probably cheaped out again and bought pirated holocrons. While he was off searching for the first Jedi temple (or more likely spending time in the space casino), Ben was studying his ass off in his room.
He figured he deserved to have some fun with the gang. The Knights of Ron and Ben weren’t complete without him.
As Ben left to join his friends, the little Yoda hologram fizzled once before fading out.
“An error there is. Update your holocron to the latest version you should. Mmhehehehemmm.”
“Ads you can remove with the paid version. Mmhehehehemmm.”