Tag Archives: kylo ren

Star Wars Episode VIII According to a Spambot!

Last time, we looked at the Rogue One visual guide book leak through the eyes of a spambot.

Today, while stuck in a boring synergy meeting, Stormtrooper Larry wandered over to the ol’ spam site again, to see its penetrating insights on Star Wars Episode VIII.

Here’s what we found.

We may well be years clear of the release of Star Wars Episode VIII, however as The Pressure Awakens taught us, that point can fly earlier in no time.

Little is understood approximately what VIII’s tale will cling, however we do recognize that it’s going to pick out up immediately after The Drive Awakens, with Rey having found out Luke Skywalker’s whereabouts, as showed by way of the teaser trailer.

Clearly this bot has memory issues. Which is it: The Pressure Awakens or The Drive Awakens? Next thing you’ll be saying it’s The Exertion Rouses!

star wars force awakens funny

Profound questions

Despite the bot’s dementia, it was insightful enough to ask penetrating questions:

The Drive Awakens left many questions unanswered. Who’s Rey in reality? Is Finn Drive delicate? What is with C-3PO’s pink arm? Why is R2-D2, the bearer of all wisdom who refuses to inform any person anything else, this sort of dick?

So in the intervening years between The Pressure Awakens and Episode VIII, it seems Threepio’s arm has changed from red to pink. That prissy droid changes arms like a handbag.

Forget about whether Finn is Force sensitive… the real question is: is he Drive delicate? And more importantly, why is R2-D2 such a goddawful dick? Those are the hard-hitting questions that fans demand to know, Abrams!

r2d2 funnyI swear Artoo, you’re such a dick!

A pleasurable solution to Rey

Colin Trevorrow, who will probably be directing Episode IX, has already promised us a “profoundly pleasurable” solution to the thriller surrounding Rey’s oldsters.

“Rey is a personality that may be essential on this universe, now not simply within the context of The Pressure Awakens, however in all of the galaxy,” he stated. “She merits it. We’re going to be sure that that solution is one thing that feels love it used to be one thing that came about a very long time in the past, a long way away, and we are simply telling you what came about.”

While we don’t understand a single word about the solution to Rey’s oldsters, we’re thrilled to know it will be a “profoundly pleasurable” one. In fact, we feel a disturbance in the Pressure, as if a million voices sighed with anticipation, from Reywalkers to Reynobis.

Torn between the darkness and the sunshine

The Drive Awakens ended with a wounded Kylo Ren being taken to Very best Chief Snoke to finish his coaching – however what does that imply?

We think one of the most movie will display Luke coaching Rey, reminiscent of his personal coaching from Yoda in The Empire Moves Again. It is going to even be fascinating to peer how Kylo Ren’s personality develops. He simply murdered his personal father, however he is nonetheless conflicted among the darkish aspect and the sunshine – or used to be Han’s dying the general a part of his transition to Sith?

Well if you ask us, Stormtrooper Larry thinks that Ben’s “simple murder” of his personal father cemented him into the darkish part of the Pressure.

We also think that Very best Chief Snoke isn’t a Sith (they became extinct in Recurrence of the Jedi), but that guy surely ain’t part of the sunshine.

kylo ren torn apart funny.gif

Btw, anybody got a copy of The Empire Moves Again?

 

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Saved by the Beer

This is a spin-off of last week’s short story, Father’s Day with Han Solo.


In an alternate universe, several years before The Force Awakens….

Old Gary the stormtrooper sat sadly in the cantina.

Formerly TK-1287, the retired trooper was having a bad day. He blew what remained of his life savings on a bad bet — he backed the wrong team in the Kessel Races. Now all Gary had left were his blaster and a couple of credits.

Someone took the bar stool next to him, an old man with a scarred face. Silently, Gary debated whether he can mooch him for a drink. But the old geezer didn’t look loaded with credits.

snoke funny“Maybe grandpa here has any credits? Naaah.”

Someone else took the stool on his other side, an old smuggler turned race team captain. That scoundrel Han Solo.

Maybe he can mooch him instead.

“That was a bad race man. Maybe you shoulda stayed in the smuggling business.”

Solo looked at him. “Yeah, the team’s not up to spec today. Do I know you?”

“Yeah man, TK-1287. We captured you back on Bespin!”

There was an awkward pause.

“If it helps, I backed your team today. And I voted for your wife in the Senate polls too.”

Han nodded. “Yeah well thanks for the vote of confidence. So whadya do now?”

“Me? I’m just a drifter seeing the galaxy. Didn’t get to see much during my service, just bulkheads and battlestations. How bout you? How’s the princess?”

“We’re doing alright. Leia’s busy doing political stuff. Me, I finally get to see the Falcon racing without being chased by turbolasers.”

“Great. Last I saw you, you were being carbonited — even told my son about it! Got any kids?”

jar jar carbonite funny
“Told him I was gonna carbonite him too if he didn’t shut up.”

“Yeah, just one. He’s in Jedi school taking after his uncle. Yours?”

“My little Larry’s in the academy taking after me. Taught him a few tricks too. Jedi school huh? That doesn’t sound good for the poor schmuck.”

Han glanced sideways at him. “What do you mean?”

“Well Vader went to Jedi school, look how that turned out for him. Spent a lotta time in his little black room shipside. Not very social, that guy.”

“Ha, I know what you mean. The asshole tortured me and didn’t even ask anything! Wish he knew I got to bang his daughter.”

“Yeah well that’s the Jedi for you. Maybe you oughta take your kid out, take him starship racin’ or teach him smuggling. The little fucker might turn into a whiny Sith before y’know it.”

Han got a faraway look. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I should. It’s been awhile since I paid Ben a visit. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Lil squirt might not finish what he started.” Gary turned to face him. “So how ’bout that drink?”

But Han had already left.

Goddammit.

The old man in the other stool stood up too. Before he could leave after Han, Gary held his arm. “Hey man, got spare change for a drink?”

“No. Let go. I have Force children to take.”

“Force brats huh? Well there’s one on Jakku. Saw this little scavenger floating junk to her sled when I was marooned there.”

“I see. Thank you for the information.”

“No problem dude. So how ’bout that drink?”

But the old man had also left too.

Selfish fuckers.


Several years later….

ben solo rey

Father’s Day with Han Solo

Six years before The Force Awakens….

 

Gary the stormtrooper sat sadly in the cantina.

Formerly TK-1287, the retired trooper was having a bad day. He blew what remained of his life savings on a bad bet — he backed the wrong team in the Kessel Races. Now all he had left was a pack of gum and a couple of credits.

Someone took the bar stool next to him, an old smuggler turned race team captain. It was that scoundrel Han Solo.

Gary glanced sideways at him. “That was a bad race man. You shoulda stayed in the smuggling business.”

“The team’s not up to spec today,” Han replied with a trace of irritation. “Do I know you?”

“Yeah man, TK-1287. We captured you back on Cloud City. I was the one who tied you to that torture rack!”

There was an awkward silence.

“If it helps, I backed your team today with my life savings.”

Han nodded. “Yeah? Thanks for the vote of confidence. Lemme buy you a drink.”


Several rounds later….

 

“… we still keep the metal bikini in the closet. So whadya do now?”, asked a heavily drunk Han.

“I’m just a drifter seeing the galaxy. Hic! Didn’t get to see it much during my service,” Gary replied. “So where’s your kid?”

“Jedi school taking after his uncle. More mumbo jumbo an’ handwaving. Never really understood any of it.”

Han looked at his watch. “Shit, I just remembered it’s Father’s Day! I gotta pick him up today, tell him the truth bout his granddad.”

He stood up. “I gotta go. Little snot’s been lookin forward to it for a long time.”

kylo ren sad.gif“Uncle Luke, is dad still coming?”

As Han turned to leave, Gary the stormtrooper stopped him. “You really gonna ditch me man? I’m broke because of your nerf-ass team!”

Han swayed and collapsed back on the stool. “Alright, one more round wouldn’t hurt.”

“Awesome! Forget the little fucker, he’s with Jedi monks now man. I know a good Twi’lek stripclub just ’round the corner. Hic!”

“Fine, lead on buckethead.”

Six years later….

han solo death

 Happy Father’s Day from Stormtrooper Larry! 

Star Wars Episode VIII: Photoshopped Leaks!

Now that Star Wars Episode VIII is done filming in Ireland, Stormtrooper Larry can finally share exclusive intel with our loyal readers!

You see, we actually visited the set and took some upclose and never-before-seen spy shots of Episode VIII in Ceann Sibal and Dunmore Head, Ireland!

The crashed ship

On the first day, we managed to catch the “crashed ship” sequence mentioned by the popular Making Star Wars:

episode 8 crash ship.jpg

From this angle, the crashed ship appears to have two wings and a propeller. Maybe Kylo is a fan of vintage ships just like Count Dooku.

And if that’s indeed his ship being surrounded by his Knights of Ren, then he’s just as bad a pilot as his father, who also crashed while making Episode VII.

The tiny Ahch-To ship

Next, we saw this mockup of a tiny ship. But while everyone’s attention was focused on the small prop, we discovered something else. Something so big and obvious we’re surprised no one mentioned it until now:

episode-8-small-ship

Do you see it? It’s so obvious…… the tiny sheep!

Why is Luke’s planet filled with a bunch of sheep? Could they be native life forms? Maybe they’re Luke’s food source, as well as a convenient source of fluffy Jedi robes.

The Jedi temple

Our next stop: the rumored first Jedi Temple. It seems we were wrong all along:

episode 8 first jedi temple.jpg

The first Jedi temple was gaudy, ostentatious and in bad taste. And from the banners on the ramparts, the symbol of the first Jedi order was mouse ears.

We have no idea why they would build their tacky temple on the side of a cliff.

The huge creature

Further down the coast, we managed to sneak a shot of the rumored alien that will figure in the confrontation between Luke, Rey and the Knights of Ren:

episode-8-giant-alien.jpg

It seems to be a new type of creature. At one point, Luke was spotted taking small chunks of its fluffy body and roasting them over a bonfire.

Poor Luke must’ve lost his mind while in exile.

Cast photos

On our last day, we managed to access the set for a few minutes before we were booted out by security. Here’s the only image we got:

episode 8 daisy ridley

That’s Daisy Ridley in full costume. She appears to be talking intently with a new character known only as “Larry”. Rumors say the mysterious character will play her love interest in Episode VIII. Could he be the cameo by Tom Hardy? Whatever the case, we’re sure Larry is a good-looking guy.

Finally, we have this tweet from Director Rian Johnson calling it a wrap:

rian johnson episode 8 leak

Johnson sure has a good eye for spotting talent.

PS: During our stay, a local hobo kept hounding us for change and “a ride off-planet”. Here’s his pic in case anyone knows his family:

episode 8 luke skywalker.jpg

 

Kylo Ren’s Password Problem

Several years before The Force Awakens…

Young Ben Solo sat cross-legged on the floor. Very carefully, he set down the holocron in front of him and prepared to do his Jedi homework.

Holocrons, or holographic chronicles, were crystal devices that held ancient lessons. Today he was going to learn from the esteemed Master Yoda.

Before Ben could start, his friend Ron poked his head in the doorway. “Hey man, wanna watch some Twi’lek porn with us?”

Ben shook his head. “No thanks, you know we’re not supposed to watch those. Besides, I have homework to do.”

“Suit yourself. Later dude!”

twilek dancers monthly“It’s your loss Ben!”

Ben cleared images of sexy Twi’lek dancers from his mind and activated the holocron. A tiny hologram of Master Yoda appeared.

“Your password you must enter, if you wish to learn.”

On the holographic keyboard, Ben typed:

> crossguardlightsabersarecool

“Expired your password is. Change it you must, from the Sith and the IT department.  Would you like to change it now?”

Ben clicked YES.

“Your new password you will enter.”

> saber

At least 8 characters your password must have.”

> ihavebigsaber

“A capitalized character there should be, for cunning the Sith are.”

> ihavebigBIGsaber

“A number you should include, if you are not a dimwitted Gammorrean. Mmhehehehemmm.”

force-ghost-yoda.jpg“A stupid password that is, like 1234.”

Ben was starting to get pissed.

> ihaveBIGsaber69

“Weak your password is, young padawan. Try again. Mmhehehehemmm.”

> ihaveaBIGfuckingsaber69

“Still weak your password is. Disappointed in you, your father will be. Mmhehehehemmm.”

Ron stuck his head in the doorway again. “Hey bro, we’re gonna Force-torture some mynocks behind the gym. Wanna join?”

Ben screamed. “NO! GET THE FUCK OUT, I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!”

“Geez man, okay.”

Ben Force-slammed the door and typed furiously:

> BIGgoddamnfuckingsaber69!!!!!

“Not allowed special characters are, little nerfbrain. Mmhehehehemmm.”

> BIGgoddamnfuckingsaberwithfuckinglittlecrossguardsabersontheside69

“A mismatch there is. Type your password again, you will mmhehehehemm.”

FUCK!

While the little Yoda hologram was still going “mmhehehehemm”, Ben Force-hurled the holocron against the wall, where it shattered into a million pieces. The lesson was supposed to be Jedi Calm and Patience 101.

Ben buried his face in his hands. He didn’t finish what he started.

Ron cautiously stuck his head in the door again.

“Hey dude, we’re gonna poke around the old Sith ruins in Korriban. Wanna come?”

Ben looked up.

“Yeah, I’m tired of this nerfshit. I could use a break.”

“Awesome! Meet you ’round back in 10.”

Fuck this Jedi shit. Uncle Luke had probably cheaped out again and bought pirated holocrons. While he was off searching for the first Jedi temple (or more likely spending time in the space casino), Ben was studying his ass off in his room.

He figured he deserved to have some fun with the gang. The Knights of Ron and Ben weren’t complete without him.

As Ben left to join his friends, the little Yoda hologram fizzled once before fading out.

“An error there is. Update your holocron to the latest version you should. Mmhehehehemmm.”

yoda laugh.gif“Ads you can remove with the paid version. Mmhehehehemmm.”


Liked this story? Then be sure to read the one about the showdown on Tatooine!

The 10 Major Surprises in Star Wars: Bloodline

One of the biggest questions of Star Wars fans is what happened during the 30-year period between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakens.

Star Wars: Bloodline, aims to answer that. Authored by Claudia Gray, the novel focuses on Princess Leia and her role in the new government that replaced the fallen Empire.

If you want to know the backstory behind TFA, this is the right place. But if you’ve got an unfinished copy of the book, then stop reading now!

Major spoilers ahead.


Six years before The Force Awakens….

 

1. Leia has a kick-ass title

Leia finds out that someone has a holo-recording of her strangling Jabba the Hutt and uploaded it to the Holonet. This earns her the badass title “The Huttslayer” among the Nikto, many of whom worked as Jabba’s henchmen.

leia huttslayer.jpg

This is a nod to real-life events. Last year, Disney caused controversy when they planned to drop the “Slave Leia” merchandise. The massive fan outrage caused Disney to rethink the plan, while fans suggested a more gender-friendly name, “Leia the Huttslayer.”


2. Han and Leia have a long distance relationship

In the old Expanded Universe, the two got married after a tumultuous period of courtship. They eventually settled down on Coruscant, siring three Jedi babies.

In the new timeline, Han and Leia get hitched during the wild celebrations after the Rebel victory. But they also recognize they come from two different worlds. Leia continues her life as politician in the newly reorganized Senate. Meanwhile, Han continues his nomadic lifestyle in the Falcon, becoming, of all things… a space racer! Yep that’s right, Han now owns his own starship racing team.


3. Chewie retires

In the old EU, loyal sidekick Chewbacca never left Han’s side even after the Alliance victory. In fact, the smuggler duo continued their adventures right until Chewie’s death during the galactic invasion by the Yuuzhan Vong.

In Disney’s new universe, Han joins Chewie on a mission to liberate the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk, which is a separate story for another time (actually the novel Aftermath: Life Debt).

After Kashyyyk is liberated, Chewie decides to retire and settles down with his family on his home planet. However, he continues to keep in touch with Han and Leia.


4. The Skywalkers find out more about their mother

With the Empire’s records now unsealed, Luke and Leia discover more details about their birth mom, Queen Amidala.

Leia in particular is enthralled by Amidala’s political life, from ruler of Naboo to member of the Galactic Senate. This inspires her to continue in galactic politics, no matter how frustrating it could be (more on that below).


5. Leia doesn’t become a Jedi

With Amidala as her inspiration, Leia decides that her calling is in the political arena. At one point someone asks her why she didn’t join Luke new Jedi academy and become a Jedi Knight. Leia answers that her life is devoted to politics rather than the Jedi way.


6. A political rival exposes their father

leia vader daughter

The Skywalker twins wisely keep mum on their real father. However, during a heated debate in the Senate, an opposition senator reveals that Leia was sired by Darth Vader.

This shocking revelation has disastrous consequences. Leia’s good reputation built over the past two decades crumbles in an instant. Even her closest colleagues drift away due to distrust and avoid the fallout, so that Leia ends up a politicial liability without any more influence in the Senate.


7. The Republic is once again divided

galactic senate.jpg

Twenty years after ROTJ, the new Republic government that replaced the Empire is once again in crisis. Just like its Clone Wars predecessor, the government is portrayed as being ineffective due to partisan infighting and bickering.

After the fall of the Empire, it is revealed that Mon Mothma became chancellor and and disarmed the Imperial machinery. A major disarmament policy saw the Alliance fleet disbanded after the signing of the Galactic Concordance. And to prevent power from being concentrated in the hands of a few, the new government was designed to be more inclusive, with the galactic capital rotating among member worlds every few years.

After Mon Mothma stepped down due to illness, two sides emerged. The Populists wish to continue her legacy of a peaceful and representative government where power is spread evenly. On the other hand, there are the Centrists, who wish for a more centralized government led by a First Senator, and a return to the stronger Republic Navy of the war years. The former see this is a possible return to tyranny, while the latter believe it will be more efficient and productive.

This political deadlock has left the Senate ineffective and mired in motions and rulings that are vetoed by the opposing side. At one point, it leads to an assassination attempt on the Populists:

Leia settled into her chair, picked up her napkin — and stopped.

Something was written on the paper streamer on her plate. Actual writing. Virtually nobody wrote any longer; it had been years since Leia had seen actual words handwritten in ink on anything but historical documents.

But today, someone had left this message on her plate, only one word long:

RUN.

Leia shoved her chair back, instantly leaping to her feet. “We have to get out of here,” she said to the startled senators at the table. “Now. Go!”

But they didn’t move, even as she dashed toward the door. Varish said, “Leia? What in the world’s —”

“Didn’t you hear me?” Damn fools who had never been in the war, who didn’t know an urgent warning when they got one. Leia held up the paper so they could see it. “Run! Everyone get up and run!”

With that, she took off, running as fast as she could, finally hearing the others stir behind her. Maybe they thought the note was only a prank, but Leia knew better. The inchoate dread that had swirled inside her all morning had solidified; this was what her feelings had been warning her about.

As they dashed through the hallways of the conference building, Leia glimpsed an alert box and swerved sideways to hit it. A robotic voice said, “No detected hazards at this — ”

“Override! Evacuation alert now!” Leia resumed running just as the warning lights began to blink and the siren’s wail sounded. Immediately people began filing out of various other rooms, mostly grumbling but at least moving toward the exits — and when they saw her, they, too, started to run. The sense of urgency built behind her like a wave cresting, preparing to crash.

Leia’s breath caught in her throat as she pushed herself harder, running full out toward the doors, so fast they almost didn’t have time to open for her. In the square beyond, security droids had begun herding people away from the building, but too many continued to mill around, staring in consternation at the scene. The others evacuating flooded through the doors behind and around her, but once they were clear of the structure, half of them stopped, remaining stupidly within range.

Within range of what? She still didn’t know. But every instinct within her told her disaster was near.

Leia didn’t stop. She kept running as hard as she could, never looking back, until . . .

Brilliant light. A roar so loud it resonated in her skull. And hot air and debris slamming into her, knocking her down, rolling her over, erasing the world.


 

8. Leia’s arch-enemy has a classic supervillain name

So who is this rival that exposed the Skywalker lineage? An upstart Senator called Ransolm Casterfo.

The young politician becomes the head of the Centrists and thinks the only real problem with the Empire was that it had the wrong Emperor. It comes as no surprise then that Casterfo has a penchant for Imperial relics like banners, armor and Palpatine’s personal stuff.


9. The First Order is born from secession

star wars first order

After the remaining Imperial fleet is defeated in The Battle of Jakku, the Imperial Remnant signs the Galactic Concordance. This sees loyalist moffs and other warlords relegated to remote sections of the Outer Rim. Despite this, there are frequent reports of Star Destroyer packs and whole fleets vanishing from these monitored regions.

The biggest blow comes when the stalemate in the Senate comes to a head. The centrists, led by Leia’s rival, announce their intention to secede from the Republic. But unlike the old Confederacy, they find a powerful partner with whom to combine their territories and fleets: the banished Imperial loyalists.

This leads us to the birth of the First Order.

But while the Centrists and Remnant join forces to threaten the Republic, we also have a new hope. Towards the end of the book, Leia accepts that the current government was no longer effective, especially after it failed to act when the Centrists seceded. And since she has lost her political allies, she resigns from the Senate and prepares for the inevitable conflict, with the help of Admiral Ackbar and disgruntled officers of the Republic.


10. Ben Solo was kept in the dark about Darth Vader

ben solo jedi.jpg

This is the biggest surprise of all: Leia never told her son Ben about his grandfather.

This is because Leia was concerned over Ben’s potential to follow in his footsteps. Throughout the novel, Han and Leia worried over their son’s growing Force powers, and how best to tell him about his lineage. Unfortunately, all that was preempted by the expose of Leia’s rival live on the Galactic Senate.

In the end, Leia leaves a tearful holomessage for her son acknowledging the truth, but it isn’t shown how Ben reacted, or even if he received the message.


 

Whew, what a whirlwind! And all these occurs just six years before The Force Awakens! It does bring up a host of questions, such as Rey’s actual age when she was dumped on Jakku.

Anyway, Star Wars: Bloodline helps flesh out the state of the Star Wars galaxy and the fate of our heroes. And it also explains the saddest thing about The Force Awakens.

The Jakku Incident


The whine of the sublight engines ceased, replaced by the throb of the repulsors. They were in atmosphere. One minute to deployment.
Onboard the squat transport, white-armored figures checked blaster rifles and power packs. On top, the dorsal gunner began blasting away at unseen targets.

Touch down. The ramp drops. Fires. Shouting. Brilliant beams of energy crisscrossing through the night. Moving as one, the stormtroopers rush out of the transport and into the fray.

z

Stormtrooper FU-1287, aka “Larry”, pays no attention to the firefight. He has more important things on his mind than some stupid battle.

Last night, the dreaded Internal Security Bureau discovered his hidden stash of smut holozines. It won’t be long before the ISB traced it back to him. In fact, he had volunteered for this mission in order to desert and preempt their inevitable dragnet.

According to the mission briefing, they were to raid an inhabited area of Jakku, a backwater planet. Never one to volunteer, Stormtrooper Larry jumped at the chance — he expected to find a dingy city of scum and villainy where he could disappear. Instead, what he found was a ramshackle group of huts in the middle of the desert.

He really should pay more attention to those mission briefings.

A disappointed Larry scanned his surroundings. Around him, white armored soldiers exchanged blasterfire with civilians. Flametroopers torched huts while the heavy gunners laid down withering covering fire to allow the squads to advance.

One stormtrooper smeared with blood stood motionless in the middle of the shootout. What the hell was this guy thinking? Larry tackled the idiot to the ground.

“Dammit man, don’t be a nerfbrain!” The dimwit didn’t respond. Larry could see the soldier was traumatized, his helmet still marked with a bloody handprint. It was probably the kid’s first combat deployment.

“Just stay low, okay? It’s gonna be alright.”

Screen-Shot-2015-04-16-at-2.50.47-PM.png“Keep your head down man! What are you, Boba Fett or something?”

With a pat on the back, he left the shellshocked idiot to find someplace where he could think. A war zone made a poor place for contemplation.

Crouching low, he made his way to the back of the village, skirting around the residents who were busy welcoming the intruders with blaster bolts. He couldn’t find even an old speeder or swoopbike to escape in. This place really was a dump, and he had been to many hell holes.

Larry broke into a tent, but found it occupied by an old man who was frantically burning some tattered books and ancient-looking stuff. “Oops. Sorry old timer!” Nope, he couldn’t stay here either. It was probably the village hoarder and his load of junk.

test“And no offense, but you gotta air this place out. It smells like a Hutt.”

At the edge of the village, he finally found an outcrop of rocks where he could sit and concentrate.

Ten full crates of Twi’lek Dancers Monthly were stashed in the main hold of a broken transport. Thanks to First Order bureaucracy, that transport ship sat neglected and unrepaired for over three years. This made it the ideal warehouse for Larry’s bootleg operation — smuggling sexy holozines for his captive (and very eager) market, the bored stormtrooper contingent of the Star Destroyer Finalizer.

What he didn’t count on was the unwelcome arrival of General Hux and some kind of space magician onboard the destroyer. Within a few days, all of the sloppy mess on the Finalizer was cleaned up… including Larry’s smut ship. After the crates were cracked open to reveal an avalanche of porn, the ISB was called in.

As Larry sat brooding, a yellow ball raced past him into the desert. He ignored the twittering droid and focused on his situation.

bb8 runIf only all his porn could fit in that droid, he wouldn’t be in trouble.

The good news is, he had the foresight to name the shipment after an old training sergeant that he hated. The bad news is, once the ISB unraveled the false trail, Larry only had three days before they caught on to him… perhaps five days at the most. Those ISB thugs may be mindless brutes, but they were ruthlessly efficient brutes.

A crackle in his commset interrupted his thoughts. “FU-1287, what’s your status? Get back here!”

Larry ran back to his squad, firing in the air for effect.

A pauldroned officer confonted him. “Where the hell were you?”

“Uh, I looped around back and shot a whole group trying to escape sir!”

“Yeah? Well get back in formation, space Rambo. We have visitors.”

A menacing command shuttle circled over the assembled troops and touched down. It was the magician from the Finalizer, followed by that bitchy stormtrooper in chrome, Captain Asthma or something. The battalion snapped to attention as the black figure strode dramatically down the ramp. These First Order bigwigs loved their grand entrances.

The old hoarder he encountered was taken before the magician, and the two began to talk. They were probably haggling over the old man’s wares. Larry tuned them out and looked around for ways to escape.

All of the civilians were being herded in the village square. Unless there was a mass breakout, there was no way he could disappear. He couldn’t even hide, since the whole area was surrounded by nothing. A white-clad stormtrooper in the middle of the desert would stand out like a nude Twi’lek dancer in a Jedi temple. Why does it always have to be a desert planet?

There was a commotion. The black magician stopped a blaster bolt in mid-air, seizing Larry’s attention back to the present. Wow, cool trick! It was probably magnets or something. He watched as a scruffy-looking civilian was brought before the space wizard, get beaten up, and then was hustled off into custody.

Larry gulped. That would be his own fate a few days from now.

stormtrooper larry jakku“Shit. I don’t even have a jacket like that.”

After a few minutes, Captain Asthma took over. “On my command.”

As one, the line of stormtroopers raised their rifles and aimed. Larry mimicked them.

“Fire.”

The troopers began shooting. Still distracted by his predicament and unsure what he should be firing at, Larry shot at the straw huts, the dirt barricades and some of the rocks. He also shot at a dead mynock, wishing it was the ISB agents who were at this moment hunting for him. Finally, the blasterfire ceased and the firing line dispersed.

Larry approached the magician. “Hey man, that was a neat trick! How’d you do it?”

The black-robed figure didn’t respond. He was staring intently somewhere else. All of a sudden, the frozen blaster bolt was released, impacting into a nearby post with a loud bang. Larry was stunned — this guy should have his own holonet show!

“Awesome dude! So where are the magnets??” But when he turned around, Mr. Magic was gone. He had already returned to his ship. Larry didn’t even get an autograph.

His headset crackled. “We captured a Resistance pilot. FU-1287, take a squad and search his ship for the map. Get moving.”

“Umm.. roger that!”

Accompanied by a handful of troopers, he trudged off to carry out the task. What map?

The ship turned out to be a damaged Incom T-70 snubfighter. Obsolete by galactic standards, the old X-wing was being phased out in favor of the newer T-75. While the others searched the hold and access panels, Larry climbed the ladder and plopped down into the cockpit.

It was a filthy mess. The tiny space was littered with empty ration bars, holo-selfies, a stained jumpsuit, hair gel, and a map of the D’Qar system. Was that their objective? Larry tried hard to remember. Oh yeah, they’re supposed to be looking for the Skywalker system. He tossed the map aside and rummaged behind the seat.

Just behind the headrest he found a couple of gay holozines and some empty water bottles, while he discovered dried gum stuck under the seat and even more discarded wrappers. Disgusted, he climbed out of the cockpit.

These Resistance scum probably lived in their ships full time. As much as he wanted to escape,  it would never be in this filthy craft, even if it wasn’t damaged and even if it was the last ship in the whole galaxy. As soon as he was shipboard, his gloves were going in the incinerator.

Larry signaled to the heavy gunners. “Nothing here, go ahead!”

poe x-wing destroyed“Filthy space hobos.”

He ran back to the lieutenant. “The enemy ship was uh, clean, sir.”

“Get back to your transport. We’re pulling out.”

As Larry walked dejectedly back to the dropship, he passed the shellshocked idiot he tackled earlier. He wasn’t sure if it was one of his porn buyers.

“Hey, what a mess right? We’ll get out of it somehow.”

The blood-smeared trooper stared blankly at him. Maybe not one of his customers then.

Stormtrooper Larry looked back at the burning village, as the first rays of dawn broke through the dark. He had less than a week to escape from the First Order and the merciless ISB, all because some pasty general and a space wizard ruined his sweet smut racket.

Yes, he would get out. Somehow.


 

Itching for the next part? Stormtrooper Larry will return in Escape from the Finalizer. Subscribe now so you don’t miss out!

In the meantime, check out this other stormtrooper who didn’t keep his head down.

FN-2003: The Weakest Link

This is an offshoot of the article The Horrifying Truth about Poe Dameron Nobody Seems to Notice. A Reddit user wondered, “What if Finn got hit instead?” The result is this story.


In an alternate universe….

The sublight engines cease their gentle hum, to be replaced by the steady throb of the repulsors. Onboard the squat transport, white-armored figures prepare for combat. The sound of activating HUDs and slap-locking cartridges fill the cramped cabin, while the gunner on top starts blasting away at unseen targets.


The ramp drops. Thick smoke. Fire. The chaotic din of combat. Brilliant beams of energy crisscross the night, some narrowly missing and showering sparks on the dropship’s durasteel. The stormtroopers of FN squadron rush down the ramp and into the fray.

z

A hundred meters from the drop zone, a lone Resistance pilot abandons his damaged fighter. Grabbing a worn blaster from a survival pack, he takes aim on the nearest trooper and starts shooting back.

He fires two bolts in quick succession. Both shots find their marks, downing two stormtroopers attempting to outflank the villagers in their makeshift barricades.

x4

His crippled fighter burning in the background, the pilot shifts his aim and searches for new targets.

He finds one: a stormtrooper standing aimlessly in the middle of the battle and gawking all around. In any firefight, being stationary is suicide, and this one just signed his death warrant.

The pilot fires his third shot.

x3

The reckless trooper is hit dead center on the chestplate. While stormtrooper armor can withstand glancing shots, it isn’t designed to absorb direct hits. The bolt’s lethal energy is only marginally dissipated by the ferroplast. Most of it finds its way to soft living tissue, cooking the wearer, FN-2187.

The stormtrooper slumps to the ground. Behind him, his squadmate FN-2003 sees him fall and doesn’t hesitate. With reflexes born from a lifetime of training, he fires back at the source of the muzzle flash.

q

The return fire strikes the pilot in the head. Poe Dameron, Resistance ace, is dead before his body even hits the ground.

Stormtroopers are not used to hitting their targets with the first shot. A barrage of blaster bolts rain down on Poe’s prostrate body before FN-2003 realizes his opponent was killed by his first lucky shot.

Beneath the helmet, FN-2003 whoops. He has just scored his first kill of the night. Relentlessly bullied and derided as the weakest link during training, “Slip” has finally proven himself in combat. He calls for a gunner to cover the spot and moves on to other targets. His second kill is a bearded old man running away from a hut.

As the triumphant trooper blasts away, his fallen comrade FN-2187 takes his last labored breath. The captain once reprimanded him for his “dangerous levels of empathy”. Only know does he realize the fatal consequence of his flaw. As he lies motionless on his back, the last thing he sees is a massive bat-like shape that blots out the stars.

Minutes into his first combat deployment, FN-2187, the stormtrooper with a conscience, dies. He never received a name.

z

Overhead, the sinister craft folds its massive wings and comes in for a landing. A black-clad figure strides down the ramp, ignoring the villagers being herded in the village square.

“Who killed the Resistance pilot?”

FN-2003 steps confidently forward. This is it. In front of his entire platoon, this will be his moment of vindication.

“I did, sir!”

“And the old man in the village?”

“It was also me, sir!”

The tall figure looks down on him, somehow managing to radiate a sense of contempt despite the mask.

“What is your serial number?”

The stormtrooper proudly squares his shoulders. “FN-2003, SIR!”

A gloved hand reaches out. Slip suddenly finds himself catapulted toward the hooded figure, floating in mid-air inches away from the unflinching mask.

“I can do many things, FN-2003. But I cannot interrogate dead bodies.”

The hand lashes out. Slip is hurled back, as if rammed by a runaway speeder truck. He hits a nearby hut with enough force to crack the ferrocrete. As his helmet readout flares with alerts of multiple fractures and a broken neck, FN-2003’s last thought was wondering where he went wrong.

A pauldroned officer comes up to the hooded figure.

“We found no signs of the map on either body or on the fighter sir. And our sensors detected no holonet transmissions of any kind. They didn’t have time to send it off-world.”

“They must have hidden it. Form a search perimeter 100 klicks around the village.” The figure paused. “If you do not find any trace, burn the planet from orbit. I will not risk Skywalker being found.”

“Yes sir!”

The man in the black mask stalks back to his ship. Shouting officers begin forming the search party as more transports arrive. In the background, flametroopers move in to erase every trace of the village, a harbinger of Jakku’s fate.

A lone stormtrooper in gleaming chrome looks at Slip’s broken body, then walks away.

“FN-2003: always the weakest link.”

z