This week, Entertainment Weekly released a bunch of exclusive photos on Rogue One, as a reward for kowtowing to Disney.
While we loved the new images, they lacked a certain sophistication. Which is why we at Stormtrooper Larry took it upon ourselves to improve the Rogue One spread.
You’re welcome, EW!
Did you know that the dreaded Death Troopers are NOT what they are? They’re actually the galaxy’s most famous heavy metal band! Don’t believe the Rebel propaganda, Death Troopers rock!
In fact here they are doing a shoot for Star Wars Super Soakers:
And a holozine spread for Good Housekeeping’s Summer Catalog 2016:
Support the Death Troopers, buy their album today!
This is the real reason for the Rogue One reshoot: it ain’t a Disney film without a song and dance number.
Baze and Chirrut
Allegedly, Baze is a heavy weapons specialist, while Chirrut is a blind warrior who follows the path of the Jedi. But there’s more to these two than meets the eye.
Baze is actually an enterprising businessman who diverts the Rebellion’s meager supplies for sale on the black market:
What Baze doesn’t know is that his “blind” buddy Chirrut has a secret of his own:
What a bunch of lowlifes. Truly despicable Rebel scum.
The Tech Guy
Every crew has a techie guy. For the Rogue crew, they have Weed Ahmed:
“Going against a laser moon and a space wizard? That be crazy man! I’ll have what you’re smoking.”
The Death Star raid
According to Disney, this is one of the scenes that had to be reshot for Rogue One to get a PG rating. In this scene, Jyn Erso and an unidentified male lead celebrate in a trash compactor after successfully stealing the Death Star plans:
“Dammit Larry, hurry up will you? We’re gonna get caught!”
“Im… almost… done… Jyn.”
Following the theft of the Death Star blueprints, the Empire sends its most capable inspector to track the suspects… Detective Orson Krennic.
“A discarded disguise, counterfeit access cards, and a used condom… This was obviously the work of Stormtrooper Larry. All elementary, my dear Tarkin.”