Tag Archives: rogue one funny

Rogue One Photoshop Bonanza!

This week, Entertainment Weekly released a bunch of exclusive photos on Rogue One, as a reward for kowtowing to Disney.

While we loved the new images, they lacked a certain sophistication. Which is why we at Stormtrooper Larry took it upon ourselves to improve the Rogue One spread.

You’re welcome, EW!

Death troopers

rockstar

Did you know that the dreaded Death Troopers are NOT what they are? They’re actually the galaxy’s most famous heavy metal band! Don’t believe the Rebel propaganda, Death Troopers rock!

In fact here they are doing a shoot for Star Wars Super Soakers:

rogue one death troopers beach leak funny

And a holozine spread for Good Housekeeping’s Summer Catalog 2016:

rogue one deathtrooper stormtrooper doll leak funny

Support the Death Troopers, buy their album today!

Stormtroopers

This is the real reason for the Rogue One reshoot: it ain’t a Disney film without a song and dance number.

rogue one stormtroopers funny leak

Baze and Chirrut

 Allegedly, Baze is a heavy weapons specialist, while Chirrut is a blind warrior who follows the path of the Jedi. But there’s more to these two than meets the eye.

Baze is actually an enterprising businessman who diverts the Rebellion’s meager supplies for sale on the black market:

rogue one baze leak funny

What Baze doesn’t know is that his “blind” buddy Chirrut has a secret of his own:

chirrut baze rogue one leak funny

What a bunch of lowlifes. Truly despicable Rebel scum.

The Tech Guy

Every crew has a techie guy. For the Rogue crew, they have Weed Ahmed:

rogue one riz ahmed leak funny

“Going against a laser moon and a space wizard? That be crazy man! I’ll have what you’re smoking.”

The Death Star raid

According to Disney, this is one of the scenes that had to be reshot for Rogue One to get a PG rating. In this scene, Jyn Erso and an unidentified male lead celebrate in a trash compactor after successfully stealing the Death Star plans:

rogue one jyn erso leak sexy funny

“Dammit Larry, hurry up will you? We’re gonna get caught!”

“Im… almost… done… Jyn.”

Detective Krennic

Following the theft of the Death Star blueprints, the Empire sends its most capable inspector to track the suspects… Detective Orson Krennic.

rogue one director krenic leak funny

“A discarded disguise, counterfeit access cards, and a used condom… This was obviously the work of Stormtrooper Larry. All elementary, my dear Tarkin.”

 

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The Rogue One Leak as Written by a Spambot

While slacking off at work today, Stormtrooper Larry came across this gem; the Rogue One leak poorly rewritten by a copy bot. Either that, or a really lazy asshole replaced every word with synonyms and tried to pass it off as his own.

Look at the opening paragraph. This is probably what the original text looked like:

“Things have been mostly quiet on the Rogue One front recently for Lucasfilm. Since the first trailer was released in early April, we’ve heard scant info on new characters, the plot, or almost anything.”

And here’s how the bot rewrote it:

Issues were strangely quiet on the Rogue One entrance in recent years for Lucasfilm. For the reason that the first trailer debuted in early April, we’ve heard little on the method of reliable phrase on the new characters, what’s to return in the tale, or nearly anything.”

From there, everything goes hilariously downhill. Here are the character descriptions:

Jyn Erso

A tender lady recruited through the Insurrection to lend a hand scouse borrow the plans to the first Dying Famous person.

Jyn may be reckless, aggressive and undisciplined … but she’s a tender lady, Mon Mothma, don’t forget that. And Dying Famous must be the Rebel codeword for the Death Star, whose plans she will steal borrow!

Cassian Andor (Diego Luna)

A Insurrection Alliance Captain

Where do we sign up for the Insurrection Alliance to Reinstate the Republic?

rebel-alliance-790x494.jpg

Baze (Jiang Wen)

A contract murderer

Hey now, Stormtrooper Larry’s uncle Barry was a Mandalorian assassin and part-time ethics teacher. But we never called him a “contract murderer”!

Okay-250 (Alan Tudyk)

An Imperial-elegance enforcer droid programmed to lend a hand the Rebels

So it’s not K-250 or K-2SO, it’s Okay-250. And apparently, he’s an Imperial-elegance droid… elegant like C-3PO! So that “Enforcer-class droid” was a smokescreen by Disney all along!

Bodhi (Riz Ahmed)

A Revolt soldier

Does this mean he’s with the Revolt Alliance then? A splinter group of the Insurrection?

Pao and Bistan (no showed actor information on both)

Diminutive extraterrestrial beings defined as “fierce warriors”

Wow, tiny extraterrestrials that are fierce warriors! Are they like thumb-sized ETs, but with guns?

And finally,

Chirrut (Donnie Yen)

A non secular warrior

Like this?

shaolin-monks-1.jpg

Tender ladies, Insurrectionists, shaolin monks and Okay-250 the elegance droid. A diverse group with one mission: to scouse (?) borrow the plans to the Dying Famous Person battlestation.

We don’t know about you, but we’d buy a dozen tickets to this movie!

rogue one parody.jpg

Don’t forget to check out the real reason behind the Rogue One reshoot!

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Cuts of Rogue One Before the Reshoot!

Last week, the entire holonet was panicking over rumors that Rogue One was headed for reshoot. Today, we can share the real reason for the controversy: a key cast member is leaving the film.

According to production insiders, a mysterious cast member known only as “Larry” had a pay dispute with studio execs. Disney supposedly cut the celebrity A-lister’s salary and chose to spend it on VFX for “an orange alien with a Jamaican accent”.

Now that Larry has left Rogue One, we can finally share the original cut before Disney’s meddling.

rogue one crew posterThe Rogue crew actually get their name from a mysterious stormtrooper who goes rogue to help the fledgling Rebellion: Stormtrooper FU-1287, aka “Larry”.

rogue one tank trooper“A universe with repulsor technology and they insist on foot patrols. Can’t FUCKING wait for my turn on the tank.”

rogue one bacta tank“Dammit your highness, not again! If you keep peeping with your creepy thugs, I’m switching over to the rebels!”

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Ben Mendelsohn) Ph: Film Frame ©Lucasfilm LFL“Our holonet transmissions were hacked by a defecting trooper. Find this rogue soldier… and kill him.”

 

rogue one death star leak“A major weapons test is imminent, but Disney ordered a retest of the weapons test. This gives us time to infiltrate it.”

“I just escaped from that fucking death ball Mon Mothma. You seriously expect me to go back?”

rogue one mon mothma“Forgery of imperial documents, possession of stolen property, aggravated assault, resisting arrest.”

“Don’t forget the prostitution and public obscenity in Nar Shadaa.”

running“Why are we (pant) running… K2?”

“Jyn skimped on the tip again.”

rogue one chirrut“Here’s the deal. First one to walk away doesn’t get a katana in the ass. Offer expires in 10 seconds.”

 jyn erso rogue one leak“Shit, it’s a dead end! I got a bad feeling about this.”

“Um… how about we surrender?”

rogue one at-act“I thought you said they were cargo trucks!”

rogue one jyn erso window“Jyn. Promise me you’ll come back.”

“I will. It’s not like Vader will show up or anything.”


Did you know:

  • Tom Hardy, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise all auditioned for Rogue One? In the end, it was Stormtrooper Larry’s convincing performance and rugged good looks that landed the role.
  • Larry’s defection to the Alliance was caused not by his moral conscience, but by the Emperor’s habit of peeping in the Death Star’s shower room every Tuesday.
  • The original ending pitted Darth Vader against Larry, who was armed only with a nightstick, two packs of gum and a used receipt from Watto’s Emporium. Larry bought valuable time for Jyn to transmit the plans, sacrificing his life in the process.
  • Stormtrooper Larry’s identity remains a secret — he never removed his helmet on set, despite co-star Felicity Jones’ repeated attempts to get in his pants.
  • Most of these facts were written while I was stuck in a boring meeting.

We’ll release more original footage from our Rogue One insider, so stay tuned! In the meantime, check out the REAL Episode 8 photo posted by director Rian Johnson before Disney whitewashed it.