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Rogue One: Photoshopped Visual Guide Leak!

We have less than 24 hours before Star Wars Celebration and the next trailer for Rogue One!

So before the new trailer drops, it’s time we revealed exclusive Rogue One leaks from the official visual guide book, courtesy of Stormtrooper Larry!

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Click to expand the images. Enjoy!


The plot

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Between the ragtag Rebellion and the tyrannical Galactic Empire stands a mysterious figure known only as “Stormtrooper Larry”.

While his ultimate allegiance is unknown, one thing is certain. The mysterious person behind the helmet has incredibly good looks more devastating than the Death Star’s superlaser.

The villains

rogue one villains.jpg

As expected, it’s a bunch of people who loves masks and dress in either black or white. They also speak with a stiff British upper lip.

The sole exception is a mysterious Gungan with an annoying high-pitched Jamaican accent. Rumor is this secret apprentice of Darth Vader is even higher up than Director Krennic, and personally designed the Death Star’s exhaust port.

A new Imperial Walker

rogue-one-at-act.jpg

Who cares about a boring cargo carrier? Check out the Emperor’s personal walker, the ACH-OUCH.

This 2-ton monstrosity is both too heavy and too cumbersome for practical use. In fact, it takes full mastery of the dark side just to lift the damn thing, and it’s the reason why Palpatine became a stooped geezer.

But the Emperor can’t be seen using just any old walker. It can only be the Imperial Walker.

The U-wing

uwing.jpg

Before the Rebellion got their fancy Incom X-wings and Y-wings, they had to make do with cheap-ass starfighters. The U-wing is actually short for “Yugo-Wing”. Mon Mothma acquired a dozen of the shitty econo-boxes from Watto’s Used Ship Lot (as-is, no warranty).

The TIE Wheelchair

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Not to be outdone by the Rebellion, the Imperial Navy fielded an ever shittier starfighter. The TIE Wheelchair was assigned to whiny TIE pilots who complained about the lack of shields, life support and peripheral awareness in the regular TIE fighter.

TIE Wheelchair pilots had a 400% combat mortality rate. They were unable to take part in the Battle of Yavin after the whole corps was depleted in Rogue One.

The Imperial hovertank

rogue one hover tank.jpg

We don’t know yet if it’s really a tank or the Imperial version of a Humvee. But damn, that is one weird-looking tank trooper.

And yet, it’s still better than those idiotic Shoretroopers.

Star Wars Episode VIII According to a Spambot!

Last time, we looked at the Rogue One visual guide book leak through the eyes of a spambot.

Today, while stuck in a boring synergy meeting, Stormtrooper Larry wandered over to the ol’ spam site again, to see its penetrating insights on Star Wars Episode VIII.

Here’s what we found.

We may well be years clear of the release of Star Wars Episode VIII, however as The Pressure Awakens taught us, that point can fly earlier in no time.

Little is understood approximately what VIII’s tale will cling, however we do recognize that it’s going to pick out up immediately after The Drive Awakens, with Rey having found out Luke Skywalker’s whereabouts, as showed by way of the teaser trailer.

Clearly this bot has memory issues. Which is it: The Pressure Awakens or The Drive Awakens? Next thing you’ll be saying it’s The Exertion Rouses!

star wars force awakens funny

Profound questions

Despite the bot’s dementia, it was insightful enough to ask penetrating questions:

The Drive Awakens left many questions unanswered. Who’s Rey in reality? Is Finn Drive delicate? What is with C-3PO’s pink arm? Why is R2-D2, the bearer of all wisdom who refuses to inform any person anything else, this sort of dick?

So in the intervening years between The Pressure Awakens and Episode VIII, it seems Threepio’s arm has changed from red to pink. That prissy droid changes arms like a handbag.

Forget about whether Finn is Force sensitive… the real question is: is he Drive delicate? And more importantly, why is R2-D2 such a goddawful dick? Those are the hard-hitting questions that fans demand to know, Abrams!

r2d2 funnyI swear Artoo, you’re such a dick!

A pleasurable solution to Rey

Colin Trevorrow, who will probably be directing Episode IX, has already promised us a “profoundly pleasurable” solution to the thriller surrounding Rey’s oldsters.

“Rey is a personality that may be essential on this universe, now not simply within the context of The Pressure Awakens, however in all of the galaxy,” he stated. “She merits it. We’re going to be sure that that solution is one thing that feels love it used to be one thing that came about a very long time in the past, a long way away, and we are simply telling you what came about.”

While we don’t understand a single word about the solution to Rey’s oldsters, we’re thrilled to know it will be a “profoundly pleasurable” one. In fact, we feel a disturbance in the Pressure, as if a million voices sighed with anticipation, from Reywalkers to Reynobis.

Torn between the darkness and the sunshine

The Drive Awakens ended with a wounded Kylo Ren being taken to Very best Chief Snoke to finish his coaching – however what does that imply?

We think one of the most movie will display Luke coaching Rey, reminiscent of his personal coaching from Yoda in The Empire Moves Again. It is going to even be fascinating to peer how Kylo Ren’s personality develops. He simply murdered his personal father, however he is nonetheless conflicted among the darkish aspect and the sunshine – or used to be Han’s dying the general a part of his transition to Sith?

Well if you ask us, Stormtrooper Larry thinks that Ben’s “simple murder” of his personal father cemented him into the darkish part of the Pressure.

We also think that Very best Chief Snoke isn’t a Sith (they became extinct in Recurrence of the Jedi), but that guy surely ain’t part of the sunshine.

kylo ren torn apart funny.gif

Btw, anybody got a copy of The Empire Moves Again?

 

Rogue One Photoshop Bonanza!

This week, Entertainment Weekly released a bunch of exclusive photos on Rogue One, as a reward for kowtowing to Disney.

While we loved the new images, they lacked a certain sophistication. Which is why we at Stormtrooper Larry took it upon ourselves to improve the Rogue One spread.

You’re welcome, EW!

Death troopers

rockstar

Did you know that the dreaded Death Troopers are NOT what they are? They’re actually the galaxy’s most famous heavy metal band! Don’t believe the Rebel propaganda, Death Troopers rock!

In fact here they are doing a shoot for Star Wars Super Soakers:

rogue one death troopers beach leak funny

And a holozine spread for Good Housekeeping’s Summer Catalog 2016:

rogue one deathtrooper stormtrooper doll leak funny

Support the Death Troopers, buy their album today!

Stormtroopers

This is the real reason for the Rogue One reshoot: it ain’t a Disney film without a song and dance number.

rogue one stormtroopers funny leak

Baze and Chirrut

 Allegedly, Baze is a heavy weapons specialist, while Chirrut is a blind warrior who follows the path of the Jedi. But there’s more to these two than meets the eye.

Baze is actually an enterprising businessman who diverts the Rebellion’s meager supplies for sale on the black market:

rogue one baze leak funny

What Baze doesn’t know is that his “blind” buddy Chirrut has a secret of his own:

chirrut baze rogue one leak funny

What a bunch of lowlifes. Truly despicable Rebel scum.

The Tech Guy

Every crew has a techie guy. For the Rogue crew, they have Weed Ahmed:

rogue one riz ahmed leak funny

“Going against a laser moon and a space wizard? That be crazy man! I’ll have what you’re smoking.”

The Death Star raid

According to Disney, this is one of the scenes that had to be reshot for Rogue One to get a PG rating. In this scene, Jyn Erso and an unidentified male lead celebrate in a trash compactor after successfully stealing the Death Star plans:

rogue one jyn erso leak sexy funny

“Dammit Larry, hurry up will you? We’re gonna get caught!”

“Im… almost… done… Jyn.”

Detective Krennic

Following the theft of the Death Star blueprints, the Empire sends its most capable inspector to track the suspects… Detective Orson Krennic.

rogue one director krenic leak funny

“A discarded disguise, counterfeit access cards, and a used condom… This was obviously the work of Stormtrooper Larry. All elementary, my dear Tarkin.”

 

VIDEO: The Falcon’s 15-Second Flight

 

What if Rey isn’t as good of a pilot as she thinks she is? We get an alternate ending to The Force Awakens!

The Rogue One Leak as Written by a Spambot

While slacking off at work today, Stormtrooper Larry came across this gem; the Rogue One leak poorly rewritten by a copy bot. Either that, or a really lazy asshole replaced every word with synonyms and tried to pass it off as his own.

Look at the opening paragraph. This is probably what the original text looked like:

“Things have been mostly quiet on the Rogue One front recently for Lucasfilm. Since the first trailer was released in early April, we’ve heard scant info on new characters, the plot, or almost anything.”

And here’s how the bot rewrote it:

Issues were strangely quiet on the Rogue One entrance in recent years for Lucasfilm. For the reason that the first trailer debuted in early April, we’ve heard little on the method of reliable phrase on the new characters, what’s to return in the tale, or nearly anything.”

From there, everything goes hilariously downhill. Here are the character descriptions:

Jyn Erso

A tender lady recruited through the Insurrection to lend a hand scouse borrow the plans to the first Dying Famous person.

Jyn may be reckless, aggressive and undisciplined … but she’s a tender lady, Mon Mothma, don’t forget that. And Dying Famous must be the Rebel codeword for the Death Star, whose plans she will steal borrow!

Cassian Andor (Diego Luna)

A Insurrection Alliance Captain

Where do we sign up for the Insurrection Alliance to Reinstate the Republic?

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Baze (Jiang Wen)

A contract murderer

Hey now, Stormtrooper Larry’s uncle Barry was a Mandalorian assassin and part-time ethics teacher. But we never called him a “contract murderer”!

Okay-250 (Alan Tudyk)

An Imperial-elegance enforcer droid programmed to lend a hand the Rebels

So it’s not K-250 or K-2SO, it’s Okay-250. And apparently, he’s an Imperial-elegance droid… elegant like C-3PO! So that “Enforcer-class droid” was a smokescreen by Disney all along!

Bodhi (Riz Ahmed)

A Revolt soldier

Does this mean he’s with the Revolt Alliance then? A splinter group of the Insurrection?

Pao and Bistan (no showed actor information on both)

Diminutive extraterrestrial beings defined as “fierce warriors”

Wow, tiny extraterrestrials that are fierce warriors! Are they like thumb-sized ETs, but with guns?

And finally,

Chirrut (Donnie Yen)

A non secular warrior

Like this?

shaolin-monks-1.jpg

Tender ladies, Insurrectionists, shaolin monks and Okay-250 the elegance droid. A diverse group with one mission: to scouse (?) borrow the plans to the Dying Famous Person battlestation.

We don’t know about you, but we’d buy a dozen tickets to this movie!

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Don’t forget to check out the real reason behind the Rogue One reshoot!

Hamming it up with Hamill: The Latest on Episode 8’s Luke Skywalker

Last year, the biggest star of The Force Awakens was also the one without any lines — Luke Skywalker. The whole film turned out to be one big hunt for the MIA Jedi master.

So what’s the latest on Mark Hamill, the face of the Star Wars saga? We gathered this week’s news so you don’t have to!

Busy bee

In an interview yesterday with Entertainment Weekly, Mark revealed how busy he was with Star Wars Episode VIII.

“It’s been 6 a.m. calls every morning, and I have another one tomorrow.” In fact, he’s so caught up in the latest installment that he takes a bath way ahead. “I’m taking to showering the night before, so I just roll out of bed 15 minutes before, and then go straight to the studio.”

An unwashed Luke? Stormtrooper Larry can’t help but think of this:

episode 8 luke skywalker

Thankfully, filming for Episode VIII is finally wrapping up, and he can soon let go of his Force beard:

Asked if he had any lines in the movie this time, Mark’s tense response was “I can’t confirm or deny.” He can go toe-to-toe against the Sith, but even Luke Skywalker can’t go against his NDA.

Returning to the US

Despite Episode VIII wrapping up, Mark won’t be able to return stateside just yet.

In the same interview, he revealed he might not make it to this year’s Comic-Con, where he’s supposed to debut his new digital series Pop Culture Quest“It doesn’t look like I’m gonna be able to make it this year, because of the shooting schedule here”, referring to Pinewood Studios in the UK. “I don’t get back until the third week in July.”

Mark has been living on London for the past year. He was required to return to Skellig Michael for the first footage of Episode VIII in November, even before The Force Awakens screened in theaters. By January, principal photography for the sequel was in full swing, and Mark’s been busy ever since.

star-wars-luke-skellig-michael

While the film wraps up this month, he still won’t be able to attend the Comic-Con in July due to Star Wars Celebration. This year’s Celebration will be held in London on July 15, just one week before Comic-Con, hence the reason for not being able to commit to San Diego.

Twitter banter

After working with Episode VIII director Rian Johnson for the past year, it seems he and Mark have a chummy relationship.

After Rian posted his temporary London address on Twitter, Mark replied:

Rian happened to reside in St. Lukes Road, a ritzy place in Notting Hill.

Then the Episode 8 director teased a preview of a Jedi cloak on Twitter to mark the home stretch of the filming:

Mark responded:

Although Stormtrooper Larry knows the truth. Disney ordered that cloak to be reshot after the first one was too gritty:

star wars episode 8 luke robe rian johnson leak

We hope to see an action-packed Mark Hamill in Episode VIII… whether washed or unwashed!

Meanwhile, check out the mysterious licensed Lucasfilm painting entitled “Rey Skywalker”!

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Cuts of Rogue One Before the Reshoot!

Last week, the entire holonet was panicking over rumors that Rogue One was headed for reshoot. Today, we can share the real reason for the controversy: a key cast member is leaving the film.

According to production insiders, a mysterious cast member known only as “Larry” had a pay dispute with studio execs. Disney supposedly cut the celebrity A-lister’s salary and chose to spend it on VFX for “an orange alien with a Jamaican accent”.

Now that Larry has left Rogue One, we can finally share the original cut before Disney’s meddling.

rogue one crew posterThe Rogue crew actually get their name from a mysterious stormtrooper who goes rogue to help the fledgling Rebellion: Stormtrooper FU-1287, aka “Larry”.

rogue one tank trooper“A universe with repulsor technology and they insist on foot patrols. Can’t FUCKING wait for my turn on the tank.”

rogue one bacta tank“Dammit your highness, not again! If you keep peeping with your creepy thugs, I’m switching over to the rebels!”

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Ben Mendelsohn) Ph: Film Frame ©Lucasfilm LFL“Our holonet transmissions were hacked by a defecting trooper. Find this rogue soldier… and kill him.”

 

rogue one death star leak“A major weapons test is imminent, but Disney ordered a retest of the weapons test. This gives us time to infiltrate it.”

“I just escaped from that fucking death ball Mon Mothma. You seriously expect me to go back?”

rogue one mon mothma“Forgery of imperial documents, possession of stolen property, aggravated assault, resisting arrest.”

“Don’t forget the prostitution and public obscenity in Nar Shadaa.”

running“Why are we (pant) running… K2?”

“Jyn skimped on the tip again.”

rogue one chirrut“Here’s the deal. First one to walk away doesn’t get a katana in the ass. Offer expires in 10 seconds.”

 jyn erso rogue one leak“Shit, it’s a dead end! I got a bad feeling about this.”

“Um… how about we surrender?”

rogue one at-act“I thought you said they were cargo trucks!”

rogue one jyn erso window“Jyn. Promise me you’ll come back.”

“I will. It’s not like Vader will show up or anything.”


Did you know:

  • Tom Hardy, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise all auditioned for Rogue One? In the end, it was Stormtrooper Larry’s convincing performance and rugged good looks that landed the role.
  • Larry’s defection to the Alliance was caused not by his moral conscience, but by the Emperor’s habit of peeping in the Death Star’s shower room every Tuesday.
  • The original ending pitted Darth Vader against Larry, who was armed only with a nightstick, two packs of gum and a used receipt from Watto’s Emporium. Larry bought valuable time for Jyn to transmit the plans, sacrificing his life in the process.
  • Stormtrooper Larry’s identity remains a secret — he never removed his helmet on set, despite co-star Felicity Jones’ repeated attempts to get in his pants.
  • Most of these facts were written while I was stuck in a boring meeting.

We’ll release more original footage from our Rogue One insider, so stay tuned! In the meantime, check out the REAL Episode 8 photo posted by director Rian Johnson before Disney whitewashed it.

Star Wars Episode VIII: Luke’s Robe

Earlier today, Star Wars Episode VIII director Rian Johnson posted a sneak peek of the film’s progress on his Tumblr.

It showed what could possibly be a Jedi robe on Ahch-To:

The home stenchstar wars episode 8 luke robe rian johnson leak

Hoooo boy. Judging by the state of his Ahch-To exile, it seems like ol’ Luke really let himself go after the Jedi massacre. He even has a touching graffiti for his lost students.

Basic hygiene, washing machines… a Jedi craves not these things. But stim spice and death sticks can make you forget anything!

See the original post on Rian Johnson’s Tumblr here.

 

Darth Vader Tries to Change his Name

Darth Vader was in a foul mood.

Several years ago, the Emperor had christened him “Darth Vader”. At the time he thought nothing of it, since he had so much stuff to do like ending the war and killing some younglings.

But now that he had run out of Jedi, Vader was finally able to give some thought to his name. For the first time, the dark lord of the Sith realized that “Darth Vader” sucked. Where the fuck did the Emperor get that name?

Plagueis was cool, like some sort of unstoppable disease. Sidious was terrifying, since Palpatine really was an insidious asshole. And Maul, that was downright bad-ass. But what the hell was a “Vader”? It sounded like a Dutch “father”, and Anakin knew he wasn’t a dad. Hell, he didn’t even have balls anymore.

Force-grabbing a pen and paper, the dark lord sat down at his desk and prepared to work.

Hmm. Let’s see:

Darth Awesome – Anakin knew he was awesome, he won the Boonta eve as a kid, ended the Clone Wars as a whiny teen, and his mom told him so. But it was still too cliche.

Darth Devastator – He could throw a pretty mean punch. But “devastator” was too long. Besides, it sounded like a star destroyer.

Darth Dude – Shorter and much simpler, but too generic.

darth vader surfboard_thumb[2]Darth Dude also made him sound like a surfer dude, and he hated sand.

Darth Choker – Too BDSM. And he was already in black leather.

Darth the Menace – Nope, too juvenile.

Darth Superior – Palpatine wouldn’t like it.

Darth Tall, Dark and Handsome – That fit him right to a T! Okay, maybe not the handsome part anymore. Fucking Obi-Wan.

Darth Ani – Padme would have called her that. If only she were still alive….

Darth Vader punched the desk. Fuck, this name shit is hard!

The door to his cabin chimed. It was a junior officer.

“Sir, a squadron of Rebel fighters are approaching the Death Star from Yavin IV,” the nervous flunky reported. “The Grand Moff requests your presence on the bridge.”

“Tell him I’m on my way.”

Figures. Every time he gets some alone time, another emergency pops up. He couldn’t even get a few minutes of peace to change his goddamn name!

With a sigh, Vader Force-crumpled the paper and stood up. He hoped there won’t be a dogfight… he was feeling really distracted today.

VIDEO: Darth Maul and the Broken Blast Doors

If you don’t want your grand entrance spoiled, make sure you keep those blast doors oiled!

stormtrooper larry funny

This post was sponsored by Stormtrooper Larry and Watto’s WD-40.