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Rogue One: Photoshopped Visual Guide Leak!

We have less than 24 hours before Star Wars Celebration and the next trailer for Rogue One!

So before the new trailer drops, it’s time we revealed exclusive Rogue One leaks from the official visual guide book, courtesy of Stormtrooper Larry!

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Click to expand the images. Enjoy!


The plot

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Between the ragtag Rebellion and the tyrannical Galactic Empire stands a mysterious figure known only as “Stormtrooper Larry”.

While his ultimate allegiance is unknown, one thing is certain. The mysterious person behind the helmet has incredibly good looks more devastating than the Death Star’s superlaser.

The villains

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As expected, it’s a bunch of people who loves masks and dress in either black or white. They also speak with a stiff British upper lip.

The sole exception is a mysterious Gungan with an annoying high-pitched Jamaican accent. Rumor is this secret apprentice of Darth Vader is even higher up than Director Krennic, and personally designed the Death Star’s exhaust port.

A new Imperial Walker

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Who cares about a boring cargo carrier? Check out the Emperor’s personal walker, the ACH-OUCH.

This 2-ton monstrosity is both too heavy and too cumbersome for practical use. In fact, it takes full mastery of the dark side just to lift the damn thing, and it’s the reason why Palpatine became a stooped geezer.

But the Emperor can’t be seen using just any old walker. It can only be the Imperial Walker.

The U-wing

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Before the Rebellion got their fancy Incom X-wings and Y-wings, they had to make do with cheap-ass starfighters. The U-wing is actually short for “Yugo-Wing”. Mon Mothma acquired a dozen of the shitty econo-boxes from Watto’s Used Ship Lot (as-is, no warranty).

The TIE Wheelchair

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Not to be outdone by the Rebellion, the Imperial Navy fielded an ever shittier starfighter. The TIE Wheelchair was assigned to whiny TIE pilots who complained about the lack of shields, life support and peripheral awareness in the regular TIE fighter.

TIE Wheelchair pilots had a 400% combat mortality rate. They were unable to take part in the Battle of Yavin after the whole corps was depleted in Rogue One.

The Imperial hovertank

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We don’t know yet if it’s really a tank or the Imperial version of a Humvee. But damn, that is one weird-looking tank trooper.

And yet, it’s still better than those idiotic Shoretroopers.

Awesome First Order Recruitment Leaflet from Mad Magazine!

Would you join a bunch of murderers, traitors and thieves? Or would you rather wear plastic armor and bring order to the galaxy? We don’t know about you, but it definitely won’t be the Resistance scum for Stormtrooper Larry!

The hilarious a-holes behind Mad Magazine just released a recruitment pamphlet for the First Order. Building on the success of their Force Awakens issue last February, the gang of idiots is back with a second helping of Star Wars.

This time, they’re shilling for the “good guys” and their three Ts policy: Terror, Tyranny and Totalitarianism. But they can’t do it without some fresh blaster fodder. Prospective “fear ambassadors” (sounds like a Disney term) will get to chill their ass off in Starkiller Base, enjoy some sun in Jakku, and march along endless gray corridors awaiting rebel saboteurs in the time-honored stormtrooper tradition.

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Exciting activities include carrying out pro-active population control policies, marching in perfect formation, standing around in rows while Kylo Ren makes his grand entrance, and learning how to use one of those “spinny laser-baton thingies”.

You never know when you need to stop a traitor with a lightsaber!

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It’s nice to know that health coverage now extends to lightsaber dismemberments, Wookiee dismemberments, and Ewok-related injuries. Unfortunately it seems that most troopers still don’t enjoy free prescription lenses, which account for the majority of missed stormtrooper shots.*

We also get a nice tidbit about the new stormtrooper armor. It’s 3% more effective than before, offering almost 15% greater protection against blaster fire! As long as your serial number isn’t FN-2003….

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The Kickstarter is a nice touch. With the fall of the Empire, the new organization had to scrape the funds for their own death ball. And what better way to raise credits than to crowdsource it?

While Jedis don’t crave adventure and excitement, Star Wars fans do. So fuck the light side, go and sign up with the winning side. Join the First Order through Mad Magazine today!

The digital issue is available now, while the printed version will come out on June 14.

*Poor eyesight and helmet design account for 95.5% of all missed blaster shots by stormtroopers, based on an in-depth study pulled from Stormtrooper Larry’s ass.