Tag Archives: stormtrooper

Saved by the Beer

This is a spin-off of last week’s short story, Father’s Day with Han Solo.


In an alternate universe, several years before The Force Awakens….

Old Gary the stormtrooper sat sadly in the cantina.

Formerly TK-1287, the retired trooper was having a bad day. He blew what remained of his life savings on a bad bet — he backed the wrong team in the Kessel Races. Now all Gary had left were his blaster and a couple of credits.

Someone took the bar stool next to him, an old man with a scarred face. Silently, Gary debated whether he can mooch him for a drink. But the old geezer didn’t look loaded with credits.

snoke funny“Maybe grandpa here has any credits? Naaah.”

Someone else took the stool on his other side, an old smuggler turned race team captain. That scoundrel Han Solo.

Maybe he can mooch him instead.

“That was a bad race man. Maybe you shoulda stayed in the smuggling business.”

Solo looked at him. “Yeah, the team’s not up to spec today. Do I know you?”

“Yeah man, TK-1287. We captured you back on Bespin!”

There was an awkward pause.

“If it helps, I backed your team today. And I voted for your wife in the Senate polls too.”

Han nodded. “Yeah well thanks for the vote of confidence. So whadya do now?”

“Me? I’m just a drifter seeing the galaxy. Didn’t get to see much during my service, just bulkheads and battlestations. How bout you? How’s the princess?”

“We’re doing alright. Leia’s busy doing political stuff. Me, I finally get to see the Falcon racing without being chased by turbolasers.”

“Great. Last I saw you, you were being carbonited — even told my son about it! Got any kids?”

jar jar carbonite funny
“Told him I was gonna carbonite him too if he didn’t shut up.”

“Yeah, just one. He’s in Jedi school taking after his uncle. Yours?”

“My little Larry’s in the academy taking after me. Taught him a few tricks too. Jedi school huh? That doesn’t sound good for the poor schmuck.”

Han glanced sideways at him. “What do you mean?”

“Well Vader went to Jedi school, look how that turned out for him. Spent a lotta time in his little black room shipside. Not very social, that guy.”

“Ha, I know what you mean. The asshole tortured me and didn’t even ask anything! Wish he knew I got to bang his daughter.”

“Yeah well that’s the Jedi for you. Maybe you oughta take your kid out, take him starship racin’ or teach him smuggling. The little fucker might turn into a whiny Sith before y’know it.”

Han got a faraway look. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I should. It’s been awhile since I paid Ben a visit. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Lil squirt might not finish what he started.” Gary turned to face him. “So how ’bout that drink?”

But Han had already left.

Goddammit.

The old man in the other stool stood up too. Before he could leave after Han, Gary held his arm. “Hey man, got spare change for a drink?”

“No. Let go. I have Force children to take.”

“Force brats huh? Well there’s one on Jakku. Saw this little scavenger floating junk to her sled when I was marooned there.”

“I see. Thank you for the information.”

“No problem dude. So how ’bout that drink?”

But the old man had also left too.

Selfish fuckers.


Several years later….

ben solo rey

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VIDEO: Darth Maul and the Broken Blast Doors

If you don’t want your grand entrance spoiled, make sure you keep those blast doors oiled!

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This post was sponsored by Stormtrooper Larry and Watto’s WD-40.

Rogue One: New Trooper Revealed!

Update (June 2, 2016): We received the following notice from LEGO:

“We have become aware that non-released, confidential and copyrighted LEGO® building instructions have been published on your website. The publication of this copyrighted material has not been authorized and we must therefore request that you immediately remove and delete the content from your website.”

2nd update (June 3, 2016): While Stormtrooper Larry slept, LEGO got impatient and filed a DMCA notice with WordPress. Hence, the images were removed. Please scroll to the bottom to find the link to the images.


 

Earlier today, we got our first look at the new Rogue One sets from Lego. We first reported on their descriptions two days ago, before the images themselves were leaked.

But it turns out we not only get new Legos — we get a new trooper as well.

stormtrooper larry(Scroll to the end for the link to the image)

Mini figure 75154 is the controversial Shore Trooper, who sounds like he lounges by the beach drinking Mai Tais all day long.

But then, who’s Mini figure 75152?

They’re actually these guys:

rogue one tank trooper.png

Bucketheads 1 and 2 have a different helmet. They lack the Scout Trooper-like “snout” of the Shore Trooper, and their armor is white rather than beach tan.

Here’s a clearer look from the Edelweiss catalog leak of the Official Visual Story Guide:

rogue one tank leak

And a side-by-side comparison with the Shore Trooper from the Celebration Europe poster:

shore trooper tank trooper rogue one

So no, the tank troopers (or whatever they’re called) are different from the Shore Troopers. Though both seem to like doing YMCA poses.

So we’re actually getting four trooper classes in Rogue One:

  • The original stormtrooper
  • The black-clad Death Troopers
  • The coastal Shore Troopers
  • And the unnamed vehicle crew trooper

Still, here’s the biggest, baddest trooper of all:

rogue one hover tank trooperWe ridin’ thru the hood with the laser moon, motherfucker.

It’s said that the Death Star plans only got stolen because he was taking a leak.


Update: While Stormtrooper Larry slept, LEGO got impatient and filed a DMCA takedown request with WordPress. The image of the mini figures is gone.

But you can still see it here. You’re welcome! 

Lower Standards

Every Saturday, we feature photos of Stormtrooper Larry from the Outer Rim!

episode 8 stormtrooper

After being selected for Basic Training, Stormtrooper EG-N0G was fortunate to join the First Order at the right time.

After the Empire fell, stormtrooper standards are no longer what they used to be.

VIDEO: Chewbacca Lady vs. Stormtrooper Larry!

Stormtrooper FU-1287 faces off against the notorious Wookiee impersonator “Chewbacca Mask Lady“, wanted in over twelve Toys R Us systems!

 Check out our Holovids section for more Stormtrooper Larry videos!

Stormtrooper Selection Process

Each Saturday, we bring you snapshots of Stormtrooper Larry from the Outer Rim!

stormtrooperlarry EG-N0GG

Did you know:

Not all new recruits pass through the rigorous training and selection process? Most end up cracking under intense pressure — and only the best and brightest become hardboiled stormtroopers!

 

Find out next week which recruit beats all the others! Meanwhile, check out the rest of our Stormtrooper Snapshots!

VIDEO: The Running Trooper Challenge!

 Stormtrooper Larry takes part in the running man challenge… to the horror of Star Wars characters!

Don’t forget to subscribe for more Stormtrooper Larry videos!

 

The Hidden AT-ATs in The Force Awakens That You Missed!

When watching The Force Awakens, you might’ve been awed by the impressive First Order rally on Starkiller Base.

starkiller base speech

While Donald Trump General Hux droned on about puppet governments and saving the whales or something, avid Star Wars fans were busy checking out the military hardware. Who knew that TIEs could land on their wings?

And if you’re a true Star Wars geek, you might have noticed the walkers standing off to the side:

first_order_s_walker blurry

But this is NOT the Easter egg we’re talking about. These walkers were actually seen in motion on Starkiller Base!

Check out the scene where Han and company infiltrate the base:

walkers.gif

Did you see them? There are actually four walkers in that scene!

If you’re a lazy bantha, we’ve marked them out for you here:

walkers starkiller base

Interestingly, the First Order walkers don’t move like your regular AT-AT. Instead of moving like giant mammals, these behemoths actually stride like giant spiders, which add to their terrifying, otherworldly appearance.

They may even have more than 4 legs, so they are more stable and aren’t as easily toppled as the old Imperial walker.

Here’s the TFA vehicle as constructed by a Eurobricks user:

22452009368_f0acc2c064_b.jpg

The old AT-AT was something of a hybrid between a main battle tank and an armored personnel carrier. It was designed to carry a stormtrooper platoon into battle, hence the high-profile body.

The First Order walker looks a bit more cramped. If the leg hinges are the same size as the old AT-AT, their bodies are smaller and more streamlined. Perhaps they are dedicated assault platforms, instead of heavily armored transports.

atat cross-section.jpgThe old AT-AT combined the firepower of a tank with the troop capacity of an APC

So will we see them in Episode VIII?

The Force Awakens mirrored the style of A New Hope very closely, from the desert planet to the space battles. So if Episode VIII follows the style of The Empire Strikes Back, we might have a massive land battle, with the First Order’s mechanized forces in action.

And if this leaked plot is true, then we might see the new generation AT-ATs (NG-ATs?) on D’qar, crushing the Resistance base to avenge Starkiller Base.

We’ll just have to wait until December 2017!

Did you know: there’s also a new AT-AT in Rogue One that most people didn’t notice!

 

 

Star Wars Episode 8 Leak: The Major Characters

Recently, the holonet cesspool of 4chan has alerted us to intel supposedly about Star Wars Episode VIII.

While the original thread has since been taken down, we managed to secure the Death Star plans alleged leak for your tactical analysis.

So belly up to the table and get your fill. Begun the leak war has!

WARNING: Possible spoilers ahead.


 

BenicioDelToro.jpg

Benicio del Toro: Said to be a former bounty hunter turned politician in the Republic. He survived because he was offworld during the destruction of Hosnian Prime. According to the leak, Kylo Ren will kill him off later in the movie.

Laura Dern: Take this one with a massive grain of salt, her character is one Asala Qurd. She plays the role of a Republic military officer commanding a capital ship. She reportedly butts heads with Leia Organa, including a scene where she says “The daughter of Darth Vader has no right to lecture me!”

As one of the senior surviving brass, Laura is said to take command of the Resistance after the Republic world falls and Leia gets severely wounded during the evacuation. According to a previous leak, she and Poe will then have a confrontation about their future course of action. Laura wants to hide and consolidate forces, whereas Poe wants to rescue a captured Finn and take the fight to the First Order.

Kelly Tran: Rumored to play the Resistance spy Shtala Zi, she is Leia’s contact on the relocated capital of the Republic. Shtala has evidence linking Del Toro’s character to the First Order, and Poe and Finn are tasked with making contact.

Later on, Shtala and Finn will have a romantic adventure in the city. Finn will fall for her, only to be betrayed by Shtala as she is revealed to be a double agent for the First Order.

Set-4

Anakin Skywalker: Hayden Christensen was spotted filming a night scene at Pinewood Studios. This is rumored to be the scene where Anakin talks to Luke and Rey.

Yoda: Similarly, there are reports of Yoda puppeteer Frank Oz appearing at the London studio. According to the leak, Yoda will talk to Rey alone, but as a voice instead of a Force ghost.

Captain Phasma: Shtala will lure Finn to a trap, where Phasma will be waiting. Phasma nurses a deep grudge against the former stormtrooper not only for betraying the First Order but for forcing her to deactivate the shield on Starkiller Base.

This time, she returns the favor and has Finn lower the Republic capital’s shields at gunpoint. Finn will then try to escape in the ensuing chaos, and Poe will come to his rescue.

Poe Dameron: During the First Order invasion of the Republic world, Poe will lead a ragtag assortment of fighters against the full might of the enemy fleet.

However, Poe also gets more screen time on the ground compared to his fighter jock scenes in TFA. Poe will be instrumental in cornering an aide of Del Toro who holds evidence tying the politician with the First Order. Poe will also come to Finn’s aid in a chase scene against Captain Phasma.

According to the leak, Poe will get shot at the wrist, though it’s unclear whether it will be a glancing wound or his hand will get blown off (in the Star Wars tradition of losing a limb in each episode). This gives Phasma the opportunity to capture Finn and take off.

Rey: Portrayed as being extremely gifted in the Force, she is also erratic. In one sparring scene with Luke, she almost delves into the dark side, which makes Luke hesitate to train her. The Force ghost of Anakin will supposedly make him change his mind.

Luke Skywalker: He is shown as a haunted Jedi master, not only because of the death of his students but because he nearly gave in to the dark side during the slaughter. Luke is also accompanied by a small furry animal on his exile island, which reportedly looks like a cross between “a dog, an Ewok and a lizard.”

Leia Solo: Leia will return to the Republic Senate where she will plead with the surviving leadership for war against the First Order. She and Benicio del Toro will clash because of this, since Del Toro argues they need time while Leia wants to seize the moment.

She will suffer grievous wounds during the evacuation from the Republic planet, after the First Order attempts to deal the death blow against the weakened government. Luke will sense her peril, and he will join Rey in the Falcon as they race back to the galaxy.

According to the leak, all of these intel comprises only the second act of the movie. The third act is reportedly under heavy guard tighter than a Death Star convoy.


Once again, take these reports with a healthy dose of skepticism. We did our homework by trying to verify the alleged names of Laura Dern and Kelly Tran. “Asala Qurd.com” and “Shtala Zi.com” are still available domain names, whereas “Jyn Erso.com” is already taken, so there’s that.

It may end up like the Rey debacle from last year, where Daisy Ridley’s character was supposed to be named “Kira” because of an earlier script. We’ll do our best to uncover more leaks from the Disney Empire, so make sure to subscribe to receive the latest intel!

Meanwhile, try to judge whether this supposed plot of Episode VIII is the real deal or not!

The 10 Major Surprises in Star Wars: Bloodline

One of the biggest questions of Star Wars fans is what happened during the 30-year period between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakens.

Star Wars: Bloodline, aims to answer that. Authored by Claudia Gray, the novel focuses on Princess Leia and her role in the new government that replaced the fallen Empire.

If you want to know the backstory behind TFA, this is the right place. But if you’ve got an unfinished copy of the book, then stop reading now!

Major spoilers ahead.


Six years before The Force Awakens….

 

1. Leia has a kick-ass title

Leia finds out that someone has a holo-recording of her strangling Jabba the Hutt and uploaded it to the Holonet. This earns her the badass title “The Huttslayer” among the Nikto, many of whom worked as Jabba’s henchmen.

leia huttslayer.jpg

This is a nod to real-life events. Last year, Disney caused controversy when they planned to drop the “Slave Leia” merchandise. The massive fan outrage caused Disney to rethink the plan, while fans suggested a more gender-friendly name, “Leia the Huttslayer.”


2. Han and Leia have a long distance relationship

In the old Expanded Universe, the two got married after a tumultuous period of courtship. They eventually settled down on Coruscant, siring three Jedi babies.

In the new timeline, Han and Leia get hitched during the wild celebrations after the Rebel victory. But they also recognize they come from two different worlds. Leia continues her life as politician in the newly reorganized Senate. Meanwhile, Han continues his nomadic lifestyle in the Falcon, becoming, of all things… a space racer! Yep that’s right, Han now owns his own starship racing team.


3. Chewie retires

In the old EU, loyal sidekick Chewbacca never left Han’s side even after the Alliance victory. In fact, the smuggler duo continued their adventures right until Chewie’s death during the galactic invasion by the Yuuzhan Vong.

In Disney’s new universe, Han joins Chewie on a mission to liberate the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk, which is a separate story for another time (actually the novel Aftermath: Life Debt).

After Kashyyyk is liberated, Chewie decides to retire and settles down with his family on his home planet. However, he continues to keep in touch with Han and Leia.


4. The Skywalkers find out more about their mother

With the Empire’s records now unsealed, Luke and Leia discover more details about their birth mom, Queen Amidala.

Leia in particular is enthralled by Amidala’s political life, from ruler of Naboo to member of the Galactic Senate. This inspires her to continue in galactic politics, no matter how frustrating it could be (more on that below).


5. Leia doesn’t become a Jedi

With Amidala as her inspiration, Leia decides that her calling is in the political arena. At one point someone asks her why she didn’t join Luke new Jedi academy and become a Jedi Knight. Leia answers that her life is devoted to politics rather than the Jedi way.


6. A political rival exposes their father

leia vader daughter

The Skywalker twins wisely keep mum on their real father. However, during a heated debate in the Senate, an opposition senator reveals that Leia was sired by Darth Vader.

This shocking revelation has disastrous consequences. Leia’s good reputation built over the past two decades crumbles in an instant. Even her closest colleagues drift away due to distrust and avoid the fallout, so that Leia ends up a politicial liability without any more influence in the Senate.


7. The Republic is once again divided

galactic senate.jpg

Twenty years after ROTJ, the new Republic government that replaced the Empire is once again in crisis. Just like its Clone Wars predecessor, the government is portrayed as being ineffective due to partisan infighting and bickering.

After the fall of the Empire, it is revealed that Mon Mothma became chancellor and and disarmed the Imperial machinery. A major disarmament policy saw the Alliance fleet disbanded after the signing of the Galactic Concordance. And to prevent power from being concentrated in the hands of a few, the new government was designed to be more inclusive, with the galactic capital rotating among member worlds every few years.

After Mon Mothma stepped down due to illness, two sides emerged. The Populists wish to continue her legacy of a peaceful and representative government where power is spread evenly. On the other hand, there are the Centrists, who wish for a more centralized government led by a First Senator, and a return to the stronger Republic Navy of the war years. The former see this is a possible return to tyranny, while the latter believe it will be more efficient and productive.

This political deadlock has left the Senate ineffective and mired in motions and rulings that are vetoed by the opposing side. At one point, it leads to an assassination attempt on the Populists:

Leia settled into her chair, picked up her napkin — and stopped.

Something was written on the paper streamer on her plate. Actual writing. Virtually nobody wrote any longer; it had been years since Leia had seen actual words handwritten in ink on anything but historical documents.

But today, someone had left this message on her plate, only one word long:

RUN.

Leia shoved her chair back, instantly leaping to her feet. “We have to get out of here,” she said to the startled senators at the table. “Now. Go!”

But they didn’t move, even as she dashed toward the door. Varish said, “Leia? What in the world’s —”

“Didn’t you hear me?” Damn fools who had never been in the war, who didn’t know an urgent warning when they got one. Leia held up the paper so they could see it. “Run! Everyone get up and run!”

With that, she took off, running as fast as she could, finally hearing the others stir behind her. Maybe they thought the note was only a prank, but Leia knew better. The inchoate dread that had swirled inside her all morning had solidified; this was what her feelings had been warning her about.

As they dashed through the hallways of the conference building, Leia glimpsed an alert box and swerved sideways to hit it. A robotic voice said, “No detected hazards at this — ”

“Override! Evacuation alert now!” Leia resumed running just as the warning lights began to blink and the siren’s wail sounded. Immediately people began filing out of various other rooms, mostly grumbling but at least moving toward the exits — and when they saw her, they, too, started to run. The sense of urgency built behind her like a wave cresting, preparing to crash.

Leia’s breath caught in her throat as she pushed herself harder, running full out toward the doors, so fast they almost didn’t have time to open for her. In the square beyond, security droids had begun herding people away from the building, but too many continued to mill around, staring in consternation at the scene. The others evacuating flooded through the doors behind and around her, but once they were clear of the structure, half of them stopped, remaining stupidly within range.

Within range of what? She still didn’t know. But every instinct within her told her disaster was near.

Leia didn’t stop. She kept running as hard as she could, never looking back, until . . .

Brilliant light. A roar so loud it resonated in her skull. And hot air and debris slamming into her, knocking her down, rolling her over, erasing the world.


 

8. Leia’s arch-enemy has a classic supervillain name

So who is this rival that exposed the Skywalker lineage? An upstart Senator called Ransolm Casterfo.

The young politician becomes the head of the Centrists and thinks the only real problem with the Empire was that it had the wrong Emperor. It comes as no surprise then that Casterfo has a penchant for Imperial relics like banners, armor and Palpatine’s personal stuff.


9. The First Order is born from secession

star wars first order

After the remaining Imperial fleet is defeated in The Battle of Jakku, the Imperial Remnant signs the Galactic Concordance. This sees loyalist moffs and other warlords relegated to remote sections of the Outer Rim. Despite this, there are frequent reports of Star Destroyer packs and whole fleets vanishing from these monitored regions.

The biggest blow comes when the stalemate in the Senate comes to a head. The centrists, led by Leia’s rival, announce their intention to secede from the Republic. But unlike the old Confederacy, they find a powerful partner with whom to combine their territories and fleets: the banished Imperial loyalists.

This leads us to the birth of the First Order.

But while the Centrists and Remnant join forces to threaten the Republic, we also have a new hope. Towards the end of the book, Leia accepts that the current government was no longer effective, especially after it failed to act when the Centrists seceded. And since she has lost her political allies, she resigns from the Senate and prepares for the inevitable conflict, with the help of Admiral Ackbar and disgruntled officers of the Republic.


10. Ben Solo was kept in the dark about Darth Vader

ben solo jedi.jpg

This is the biggest surprise of all: Leia never told her son Ben about his grandfather.

This is because Leia was concerned over Ben’s potential to follow in his footsteps. Throughout the novel, Han and Leia worried over their son’s growing Force powers, and how best to tell him about his lineage. Unfortunately, all that was preempted by the expose of Leia’s rival live on the Galactic Senate.

In the end, Leia leaves a tearful holomessage for her son acknowledging the truth, but it isn’t shown how Ben reacted, or even if he received the message.


 

Whew, what a whirlwind! And all these occurs just six years before The Force Awakens! It does bring up a host of questions, such as Rey’s actual age when she was dumped on Jakku.

Anyway, Star Wars: Bloodline helps flesh out the state of the Star Wars galaxy and the fate of our heroes. And it also explains the saddest thing about The Force Awakens.