Last week, the entire holonet was panicking over rumors that Rogue One was headed for reshoot. Today, we can share the real reason for the controversy: a key cast member is leaving the film.
According to production insiders, a mysterious cast member known only as “Larry” had a pay dispute with studio execs. Disney supposedly cut the celebrity A-lister’s salary and chose to spend it on VFX for “an orange alien with a Jamaican accent”.
Now that Larry has left Rogue One, we can finally share the original cut before Disney’s meddling.
“A universe with repulsor technology and they insist on foot patrols. Can’t FUCKING wait for my turn on the tank.”
“I just escaped from that fucking death ball Mon Mothma. You seriously expect me to go back?”
“Don’t forget the prostitution and public obscenity in Nar Shadaa.”
“Jyn skimped on the tip again.”
“Um… how about we surrender?”
“I will. It’s not like Vader will show up or anything.”
Did you know:
- Tom Hardy, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise all auditioned for Rogue One? In the end, it was Stormtrooper Larry’s convincing performance and rugged good looks that landed the role.
- Larry’s defection to the Alliance was caused not by his moral conscience, but by the Emperor’s habit of peeping in the Death Star’s shower room every Tuesday.
- The original ending pitted Darth Vader against Larry, who was armed only with a nightstick, two packs of gum and a used receipt from Watto’s Emporium. Larry bought valuable time for Jyn to transmit the plans, sacrificing his life in the process.
- Stormtrooper Larry’s identity remains a secret — he never removed his helmet on set, despite co-star Felicity Jones’ repeated attempts to get in his pants.
- Most of these facts were written while I was stuck in a boring meeting.
We’ll release more original footage from our Rogue One insider, so stay tuned! In the meantime, check out the REAL Episode 8 photo posted by director Rian Johnson before Disney whitewashed it.